Good morning. Remember my childlike boasts about how much I love getting older? Of course you do. You said at the time, “Who does she think she’s kidding?” There are days when I do sort of hate it, but not as much as I despise the idea of being dead, so when I meet a compadre on the road from here to there, it means everything. I’m letting that fellow pilgrim speak for me this morning:
The other day, a young person asked me: – “What does it feel like to be old?”
I was very surprised by the question, since I did not consider myself old. When he saw my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question. And after reflection, I concluded that getting old is a gift.
Sometimes I am surprised at the person who lives in my mirror. But I don’t worry about those things for long. I wouldn’t trade everything I have for a few less gray hairs and a flat stomach. I don’t scold myself for not making the bed, or for eating a few extra “little things.” I am within my rights to be a little messy, to be extravagant, and to spend hours staring at my flowers.
I have seen some dear friends leave this world before they had enjoyed the freedom that comes with growing old.
Who cares if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 in the morning and then sleep until who knows what time?
I will dance with me to the rhythm of the 50’s and 60’s. And if later I want to cry for some lost love… I will!
I’ll walk down the beach in a swimsuit that stretches over my plump body and dive into the waves, letting myself go, despite the pitying looks of the bikini-wearers. They’ll get old too, if they’re lucky…
It is true that through the years my heart has ached for the loss of a loved one, for the pain of a child, or for seeing a pet die. But it is suffering that gives us strength and makes us grow. An unbroken heart is sterile and will never know the happiness of being imperfect.
I am proud to have lived long enough for my hair to turn gray and to retain the smile of my youth before the deep furrows appeared on my face.
Now, to answer the question honestly, I can say: -I like being old, because old age makes me wiser, freer!
I know I’m not going to live forever, but while I’m here I’m going to live by my own laws, those of my heart.
I’m not going to regret what wasn’t, nor worry about what will be.
In the time that remains, I will simply love life as I did until today, the rest I leave to God.
Good morning, constituents. I’m not running for anything today or ever, so the planet is safe. And if you’ve been here a while, you know I write selfishly – entirely at the behest of my own psyche. Some of us understand that we’re cautionary tales rather than shining examples, but “what not to do” can prove helpful too, so I lay it all out here for those following behind. Which brings me to a question… WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?? Get a life, for the love of god!
That was so beneficial I sent said brain on an extended vacation, whereupon it theoretically burrowed underground until this morning. I must tell you that it’s a heady Zen rush to sit here in my allotted space and gently remind myself that if it’s outside these walls it’s what’s called “not my responsibility” for now. I’m well aware that it’s a trick to find any space for yourself, anywhere, without simply claiming it and walking off with it. And for years on end, all most of us can claim is the will to live on behalf of everyone around us. Also, that dazzling realization of our own personal worth and therefore rights… that’s hard-earned for some of us even after most of the heavy responsibilities fall away. It sucks to get this long in the tooth before claiming yourself, so don’t. Do it now, you’re you, nobody else is ever going to be that gift in the world so don’t waste time.
It triggers empathetic guilt to tell you this, but for three days, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I did the absolute bare minimum for survival while everything settled back into its rightful order. This vital mini-vacay was entirely made possible, by which I mean enabled, by Kim. You knew that.
Yesterday evening we walked down to Cider Gallery for some of the most incredible musicianship I’ve witnessed in this town and that’s saying a LOT. Lawrence has been a launching pad for bands and solo artists over the years who play gigs here while in transit from Kansas City to Denver. Last night’s two groups were local but may not stay that way, so if you see the name Sky Smeed and/or Signal Ridge, remember where you heard it first. And run, don’t walk, to soak up the pure delight.
All said, this crone is awake on a Monday morning, coffee’d up and ready to roll. Priorities will rule the day:
Those clothes you put in the washer before Cider Gallery yesterday? Run ’em through a rinse and get them into the dryer, STAT.
Be a fully-fledged human, insofar as is reasonable for Monday.
Keep your word, do the things, and stay true north.
Mornings are hard. Crying early and often seems to be my default mode and I don’t even fight it anymore. Saw a headline this morning, a mother politely begging her disabled daughter’s classmates to please come by the house and wish her a Happy Birthday, no gift necessary, just please say hi. Had to duck out and skip the actual story because I’m a weakling. WTF?? Why are humans, those most exalted of creatures, so incurably cold and cruel? We have the most to give but we grasp all of it like a monkey with his fist in a small-mouth jar.
There’s a man in his 40s or young 50s who’s worked in our building since before we moved here ten years ago. Knows everything about the place, where all the ghosts are, and more importantly, all the shut-offs. And keys. And what not to do. He has a huge heart and he shows up for whatever anyone needs. He’s been walking on a bad knee for a long time and it’s been bone on bone for at least a year. He was scheduled for replacement surgery next month, but in the meantime his insurance has been canceled so that’s off. Our parking lot consists of either resident slots, bank slots, or paid city parking, and this employee has apparently never had a parking permit in all the years he’s worked here, so he has to park wherever he can find a space on the surrounding streets and then hike back there every two hours to move to a different spot, on a knee that’s stealing his joy every second. When Kim found out what’s been going on we both raised a ruckus with the board president who told us she’d talked with a few of the loft owners about getting this man a pass, and they said they’d need to “think about it,” at which time I simply lost it.
Our building is owner-occupied and although we’re not on their level we live among people with real resources who do pretty much as they please. Many are here only part time, as they travel the world on a regular basis while the man in question monitors and safeguards their spaces and belongings. Whatever they need, they buy. Whatever they want to do, they do. Here’s a man making life easier for them every single day, and they can’t find it in their hearts to okay a parking spot close to the building, even knowing he’s in pain every second? Why is that? I mean, one must ask. Is it because he isn’t part of their social strata? Because his truck isn’t new and snazzy? He’s smart, he’s kind, he’s helpful, he somehow works a second job, he’s married with children. He has also helped more than one older person here in the building and around town stay independent by doing the small vital things they could no longer do for themselves. He works soup kitchens in town, which keeps him on that knee. He’s a good man. He’s also Black. Someone please tell me that has no bearing on whether or not he deserves to park next to his place of work.
We have two vehicles, thus two permits. Both cars are nearly always in the parking garage, so we have little use for outdoor passes. Kim gave our friend one of them, end of story, fight us both you crazy messed-up people. This guy is quiet and totally unassuming… “You don’t see me, I’m not really here.” He was never going to push the issue on his own. Sometimes you have to force somebody’s hand.
I’m a recluse for good reason… people can be unspeakably awful, and that’s getting worse not better. I know, I know, they’re unspeakably beautiful as well. Let’s have a whole lot more of that, please, and I might buy in.
It’s dark and rainy this morning, adding to a sense of impending doom, says failed Pollyanna. When people are selfish and unthinking it makes me long to quit the world, just wander off somewhere and make myself comfy in a nice dry cave while I watch it all go by. But I’d miss Kim’s cooking so I’d be home before dark.
Whatever you do with your Sunday, first do no harm, okay? If you’re on your way to church, ask yourself straight up if everybody I know would be welcome in your midst. I have trans friends, lesbian friends, oodles of gay friends, and more Black friends than have likely blessed one of your services, ever, depending on who I’m talking to. I also know people your congregation might be disinclined to even have coffee with, let alone offer the right hand of fellowship. Is your church big on tithes and offerings for people they’ll never have to see? That hardly counts in the overall picture when someone limping right next to you needs a tiny bit of help. Does your church model its actions and outreach on what we’ve been told was the life of Jesus? If not, save time and futility by going straight to Sunday dinner, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, because none of it holds water. As in all of life, we hear what you say, but we see what you do.
This apropos meme just fell into my hands:
Be careful who you hate, it might be someone you love.
All week I had the dumb and couldn’t brain, so I took a No-Brainer Day yesterday to reset. Went for a walk around the neighborhood, slept for four hours, then spent the remainder of the day doing mindless things on my computer, by which I mean I cleaned out both of my Messenger apps click by click because I couldn’t force “select all” to function. I was horrified to find in iMessenger that everything sent or received since 2012 was still there! How do these things happen?? Welp, somebody goes mentally AWOL for five or ten years while pain runs the show and it all stacks up, the evidence doesn’t lie. I was born with a Siamese twin named Anxiety so she’s never not been attached to me. An ordered existence goes far in keeping her quiet, but she could tear up an anvil in a heartbeat if I didn’t watch her, so she has to be considered in every equation. She was feeling much better by bedtime last night.
So an intentional Get Yourself Better Day turned out to be exactly what the doctor ordered: the brain fog lifted, the thinking processes lined up straighter, and a probable answer broke through. Pretty sure my anti-seizure Rx was working overtime, rendering me near-comatose since sleepiness is a side effect if the drug doesn’t have enough to do. BINGO. I cut yesterday’s doses in half and felt the difference within hours. So. ONWARD. The good news is that the focal seizures have been very much under control lately, so no worries.
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My secret plan is to go underground for the weekend and show up Monday morning ready to function as a human. Stay tuned.
Meanwhile, a few topical memes on our way to doing Friday right, starting with today’s PRIDE MONTH post:
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Topic of the week (read century). Leaving this here for posterity’s sake.
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And this last one is for all the feelers who water the earth with our tears and drive the macho-macho-race mad with frustration. I encounter something to cry about at every turn in the day so sometimes I try to get that over with first thing in the morning. Just have a good cry about EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY and proceed, Guv’nah. Then later, when touching or infuriating things pop up, I can say “Nope, gave at the office, already cried my quota for the day, c’mon inner peace.” Believe it or not, I am kicking the snot out of it… it actually works. Sometimes.
Why we cry.
It seems happy little Pollyanna’s work here is done for now, so it’s time to toddle off and scrounge up something more nourishing than coffee before I get on with doing as little as possible. You know what feels good and right on a Friday or any other day ending in “y”? Self-care without guilt. Don’t wait ’til you’re past 75 to try it.
A glorious June morning is underway, full of promise if you’re here for it. My self-assigned mission today is two-fold: reading and writing. Reading for fun and profit, interspersed with terrifying moments of writing for angst and amnesty. BOWLING FOR AMNESTY! She has a working title, boys and girls… and, we’re ROLLING!
At more than three-quarters of a century into this preposterous human experiment, I should be able to state one thing with certainty, and it turns out I can: This whole thing is insane. We emerge as the most helpless of creatures on earth, claw our way toward adulthood, gain awareness of our frightening awareness, and scream our way to the grave, because… insanity. I ask you, is there more fun to be had anywhere? We’ll never know.
There are things we CAN know, however, and do. For instance, I know the following to be true:
I read the entire poem knowing I recognized that voice, and when I saw Mary Oliver’s name at the bottom I burst into tears of joy over unexpectedly meeting up with an old friend out here in the wilderness. We crazies find each other, in this life or the next.
The world has never felt more tenuous… more divided… less inclusive. So we must each do our part to counteract that state:
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Wherever you are as you read this, STOP. Sit very still and let yourself relax from your toenails up. If you’re blessed with quiet right now, relax every cell all the way to the top of your head. Breathe. It feels really good, so do it some more. While you’re letting it all go, have a soft little conversation with yourself: You didn’t make the world the way it is. This brokenness is not your fault. Breathe in. Accept the good and the right and the real. You know how to be kind. Do that. Breathe out. Reject the existential pain that permeates everything now. Let it go. One individual human heart can’t contain what’s out there, so we have to simply lay it down and accept that being here for it is enough. And when we feel somewhat healed and therefore brave… we bear witness.
Experience has taught me that I do my best writing when I’m supposed to be doing something else, so here I am, saying good morning, and thanking you for your help in keeping this a safe place for all of us. It’s funny to realize that even after almost fifteen years out of touch with the working world… can that be?? … Mondays are still Mondays. It’s the day I’ll apparently always wake up and say “Couldn’t we do that tomorrow?”
A bit of news… the Doves, David and Darleen, are once again enjoying a peaceful incubation interlude in their leafy bower. Two perfect-looking eggs, two new babies to fledge. And then what, I wonder. Google isn’t very forthcoming as to what adult mourning doves do until another spring rolls around, but it can likely be summed up in one word, “survive.” Which segues us right back to Monday…
… the perfect day for this question:
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Self-assigned task today, pick a shower and take it:
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They misspelled “surprised,” so you see my point, I’m sure. Point, blade, knife…
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Guess we could try this for starters on a Monday, ‘k world?
So far it’s been a slow month in “paradise” and that’s lovely. The morning temperature was perfect during my stroll and nothing hurt, so I’m two for three at this point.
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I remember 40. It was just a hint of how shockingly life and death can deal with us. No worries, walk it off.
And so did you.Celebrate!
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June is PRIDE Month, and with friends and family on every part of the LGBTQ spectrum I’d be an unfeeling idiot not to state my support.
Every LGBTQ human feels all of this and more, every day of their lives.
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This will feel like a 90° tire-screeching left-hand turn but it’s relevant, so keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times and do not attempt to disembark until the ride comes to a complete stop:
Abject confession, I have been this person.
DISCLAIMER: I’ve never made friends easily and can think of only a few people with whom I’ve felt a true bond, but I attract the needy like flies to honey. Something about that equation makes people want to challenge me in order to back me down on what my personal moral code looks like, and I’ve had to not only unfriend them but block them, because they don’t give up. This is relevant because longtime acquaintances I once thought of as friends have felt compelled to convince me of the errors in my thinking, trying to wear me to a nubbin on the “gay” conversation, among others. Let me just say for the record that persistence does not equal veracity and I won’t be tuning in to the gaslighting and shaming. Ever.
Second item on my list after getting out of bed this morning was to check on the Dove family, and I had a prescient little sense that something would be different this time. My first look at the nest told me there wasn’t a parent bird in attendance, and when I peeked inside there were two little chicks, wing by wing, looking up at me totally unspooked by my presence. Kim got home from his walk in time to see the babies, and he pointed out that David and Darleen were on the next-door neighbors’ balcony railing, quietly keeping watch. Must be time for the little ones to start gaining a bit of bravado and independence – they’re in the nest for only two weeks before being booted out to make way for Round Two. Such a high-speed upbringing boggles my mind. Once again this is a stock photo, but Derek and Diane look just like this at the moment, and my mama heart wishes them every success. So now we know. Two babies. Two weeks (minus time served) to enjoy them. Expect flying lessons soon.
Answers to the things we wonder about. Answers to the things we care most about… those, too. Five of the people I cherish most in the world need answers to health crises, and that’s a wait that relentlessly saps strength and courage over time. Loving people means hurting with them, that’s just how it is. May their answers turn out to be as instinctive, timely, and real as fledglings taking off for the skies.
All things considered, the heavy-duty requirement at this stage of living might be PATIENCE. Life goes on, things happen, things change for better or worse, and, well… life goes on. If you’re reading this, you’ve lived through everything that’s happened to you, every second since you were born. Base your patience on that knowledge, and keep walking. Or, like me, DO something, right or wrong, and hope for the best. Your call.
Have a lovely weekend and a solemn Memorial Day observance. Summer’s almost here!
Just when we think it couldn’t get any greener here, or the grass and trees shine any brighter, it’s raining again. Its insistent tapping against the windows is soothing and full of ongoing promise. David’s home from hanging out with his friends all night and is tucked in under the ferns, sheltering the eggs. It’s possible that by the weekend we could see a couple of beaks attached to fuzzy little heads poking out of the nest. A couple more weeks of nurturing and the babies will earn their wings and go. That’s when we’ll be hoping David and Darleen decide to raise a second brood, same spot, same setup, because we’ll miss them if they go looking for swankier digs. Checking on the Dove family is second in order of business every morning, making sure somebody’s home with the incubates; that either David has once again survived the nighttime feeding wars, or Darleen is postponing breakfast ’til he gets back for his shift. The quiet drama. You see what it’s come to here.
I no sooner typed the word “quiet” than the din of the past few days resumed. Someone’s having tile, apparently acres of it, removed, and the resulting sound reverberates throughout the building for long minutes, during sometimes long days, with only brief pauses. Not a problem, simply a reminder that however organized we may be in our psychic innards, life intrudes on levels beyond our control. The noise of the planet creeps in subtly or it slaps us in the face, either way causing a blip in our focus. What to do, what to do. Whine a little to kindred spirits, find your industrial-strength Old Girl panties, and get on with whatever the day would have looked like without the obvious clamor.
Maybe a little like this…
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On the other hand, silence scares the bejebus outta some people, so to each his own. We’ll see how it goes, won’t we.
It’s past 9am and the streetlights are still on, best kind of morning . Rainy, drippy, dark, leading one to think the day holds nothing pressing so why hurry? The coffee too is dark and deep, breakfast was glad-making for the tummy, and Kim’s at home, ensconced at his computer, having declined to make the trek out west for PickleBall this morning. We have a couple of projects that might keep us occupied today every bit as much as we want to be, the kitchen’s fully supplied with foodstuffs, and there’s no chance of flooding between here and the liquor store, so all is well. Oldies like their evening aperitif. The Royals, who’ve had a good run lately, play again after lunch today unless it’s raining in Kansas City at game time, so that sounds cozy. And in case you thought I meant THOSE royals… nah, can’t get into it, it’s all kinda silly. “My blood’s bluer and far more inbred than yours, so I win.”
By choice I’ve had lots of at-home hours over the past couple of weeks, which sometimes affords too much time for overthinking, which leads to remembering stuff, which leads to all the feelings. Society continues to be ridiculous and the shenanigans can get to a person, know what I’m saying? A lot of people I once counted on to be the adults in the room can’t get a handle on this era for what it is, which is incredibly depressing and distressing, so my aim every day is to stay juuuuust tuned out enough to avoid the sturm und drang of the labyrinth itself. Some days are more successful than others.
Have you thought about this… the thrill of aging almost inevitably means our core support group grows ever smaller through natural attrition of every sort, which leaves us more and more out here on our own. It’s a shocking realization at first, until you understand that the total independence and personal freedom you’ve always craved is HERE now, so do something smart with all that. Do what you want, say what you mean, what can happen, they take away your birthday? The older of my two grandmas, my dad’s mom, kept up a correspondence with cousins her age, eight 2nd-generation German-American women who maintained a “Round Robin” notebook filled with news, updates, and photos, sending it around until everyone had written in it, at which time they started it around again. She read pieces of it to me over the years until finally it was just her and one cousin left to communicate… and then just Grandma, who at past 95 was the last to leave. She told me she was never so lonely as during those years when there was no one left who remembered who she’d been before she was old.
My mom, on the other side of my genealogical chart, was the third-eldest of nine siblings, so I grew up as part of that big family, taking for granted it would always be there. Oh, my sweet summer child, your naiveté is endlessly touching. The world doesn’t stay static for a second and neither do people. Notwithstanding things like bloodlines, DNA, identification with a tribe, and backup in a fight, families don’t remain static either. They grow, they morph, they move, they move on. I’m now the second-oldest family member of my generation, and from this vantage point the terrain looks entirely different than I might have imagined when I was one of the littles. I look around at who’s still here and see an assortment of people I don’t know, never actually DID know except in the context of being related to each other and thus somehow extra-connected to each other’s well-being. Now we’re mostly strangers, which was always going to be the outcome if we ever started being ourselves with each other. And now we’ve done what we unconsciously do out there in the general population… we’ve mostly reduced each other to our politics and drawn lines of separation, a phenomenon maybe none of us intended. We always were a diverse bunch, but that knowledge was obscured by loyalties and what we knew at the time as love. Since we grew up and away as a family entity, reality has reigned more and more supreme, and that’s no doubt a good thing since sentimental delusions take us precisely no where good.
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Life is simultaneously simpler and more complicated than we want it to be. A simple affirmation, or exhalation if you will, might go something like this:
I’m a breathing being on planet Earth, with the power to be kind and almost no other,
with especially no power to fix anyone but me.
My grandmas both lived past 95, a space of twenty years from where I am now. What will I do with those two decades should they be allotted to me?
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A sweet thing happened this morning… I saw David returning to the nest so I went out onto the balcony. Darleen must have just left, as he was still standing on the railing, so I spoke to him in soft tones and he didn’t move a feather while I peered over his shoulder. I’m happy to tell you that there are indeed TWO eggs in their barebones little nest and all seems well, even as they take turns hunkering under the ferns while the rain falls. These Dove people are cool.
Since you’re all so kind, I can’t get anyone here to hold me accountable to reach my goals; therefore, I’ve had to exercise over-the-top discipline in order to avoid making a liar of myself. Those projects I’ve mentioned? I have good news…
You remember my nemesis, the 12′ x 7′ x 14′ high closet lined with shelves on three sides, which has been the repository for a wide assortment of belongings since about 2015 when I started losing mobility… you recall my brave words, right? I’m thrilled to report that it now looks like springtime in that space – a breath of fresh air – and life in general, just like that, holds more promise and feels absolutely doable. It’s like turning on a floodlight in a dark cavern, except that the surroundings revealed are entirely friendly. As I stood back admiring my work yesterday I said a mental “up yours” to the Senior Surgeon who told me there was nothing that could be done about my back, so… I guess just go home and give up, which my brain did without informing me in advance, thus putting life on hold. That haphazardly-packed closet represents the biggest win I can think of in about that many years and I’m savoring it. There’s also this: over a ten-year period I helped empty six longtime homes of loved ones, and I made a solemn vow not to put John through that. It’s an educational, revelatory, emotional, gut-ripping experience, which he’s already done once singlehandedly, so the less Kim and I leave behind, the better. Best-case scenario would be to close things out like saints, with a fork apiece and some clean underwear, but simple living and a love for open spaces will at least keep us moving in that direction.
The biggest win of all is that now, in 2023, the more I move the better I feel. That’s worth sticking around for.
And now I’m ready to focus on something I love even more than re-homing things, which is to finish editing a friend’s manuscript. I’m fairly certain it’s the calling I missed in life, that of helping to fine-tune good writing while consuming it at the same time. Bossy, nitpicking girl loves books, win/win.
A glance up the page affirms that this year has been more about gains than losses, more about the wins in spite of how dark so many days have felt in their endless passage. That’s a good thing to know because of how it colors the rest of life… sometimes the wins are so hard-won we feel beat up by them instead of validated and encouraged. At this late date, I might be finally starting to understand the process through which we come to know and love ourselves. It’s never too late.
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Take your innate kindness and human understanding with you all week and spread that stuff all over everything. The world needs it so much.
I gave the blog a rest last week, it was time. Full disclosure, my muse is on indefinite vacay in South America and I’m fairly lost on my own. I’ve also been trying to cultivate the shockingly unAmerican habit of declining to speak in the absence of anything to say. Concurrently, I’ve been working my way through seasonal depression and I try to apply extra caution during those times, lest my “mouth” cancel my regular brain activity and add to the load of woe. But hey, it’s spring, it’s time to break out of the trap and feel ALL of life. If you deal with the sadz you know it isn’t so much ABOUT anything, it’s more of a hormonal/chemical shift that imposes a life of its own over how you’d rather feel, and it’s always a relief to emerge into real sunshine again. Sort of like…
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In actively working to move the Mood Meter to the plus side, I’ve saved things written by people who know, because somebody else’s experience and affirmation are always encouraging to me. Numero uno…
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Having to be phony around other people is what feels genuinely weird to me. Can’t do it anymore.
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On the accountability front, I’ve been putting my list of Anxiety Reducers in practice and can report that taken together they’re making a difference. They’re in the post preceding this one if you want to try a few.
Hang on, kids, we’re making a 90-degree turn here because I became aware last night of a pattern in our house, likely one of the biggest tip-offs that we aren’t young anymore. Kim has a sixth sense for picking random movies that we end up totally engaged in, and at some point or several during every film, one of us has to grab an iPad and find out WHO THAT ACTOR IS!! Remember, he was in that movie about, oh you know, and that blonde was in it, too, and… we learn a lot, like who’s still breathing and who isn’t. This morning I learned that this is 84-year-old Lee Majors, remember him? Boy hero, sorta? Wow, is it getting late in here or what.
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Or maybe it’s just me since I hold no firm concepts regarding the connections between people and time. It’s all of a piece somehow, and this could just as easily be 1970 as 2023. Absolutely everything has changed, while absolutely everything remains the same.
No worries, I still retain a firm connection to reality… on the good days.
Tell me if this happens to you sometimes… it’s only 8am and I’m already through with today, what’s up with that? I dipped my toe in the news pool and instantly regretted it. I looked for humor on social media and found snark. I sat here too long and started remembering every stupid regrettable thing I’ve ever said or done, an endless parade of self-accusation, and it’s ridiculous.
Okay, false alarm… turns out I just needed to eat something. And thus am I reminded, again, that we can complicate life beyond all reason just by examining it to death.
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We add difficulty to life by expecting it to conform to our plans and hopes, forgetting that it takes no notice of our existence at all. Plans? Hopes? Get real, little human, we’re rolling ON and you’re about to get flattened, better luck next round.
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Here’s a thing to know: Returning to life after long absence is anything but seamless. There’s a lot of catching up to do, and you begin to realize how much has changed since your whole world went off the rails. There are days when it’s a lot, and others when I make it a mountain on my own. These are affirmations that are helpful to me:
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I will always remember my mother-in-law, when I broached the subject of a move to the nursing home, pointing her finger and declaring adamantly “I need a MAN, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!” She knew that if my father-in-law or either of her two sons were still living she would have an advocate, but alas, here was her daughter-in-law of 35 years trying to tell her what to do. I understood her angst then and have experienced it many times for myself because we simply don’t tell life what’s going to happen. We persist in trying, but we eventually register the success rate and back off a little to keep our lack of power from becoming too overwhelming.
I do what I want. Right, life?
Turns out what I want to do today is to start getting a true handle on my closet-cleaning project. So far, there are a dozen empty tubs and containers stacked in a tower to show for my sorting and tossing, and I’m ready to add to that total. Kim found a perfect six-drawer chest that should go far in solving various “Where do I put THIS?” quandaries, thus letting me move forward. A goal. A purpose. My kingdom for a horse…
Yesterday I made a list of Anxiety Reducers which is now taped at the side of my monitor, and if followed it’s bound to help eventually:
Drink far less coffee
MOVE the body
Less alcohol, so, you know, 2 or 3 evening Tequila shots instead of 4
Cut obvious sugar
Cut the clutter, which resides mostly on my desk and in the ever-looming closet
Drink more water
Get outside
Spend a skosh less online time
Could work. Wish me luck. I hope the sun’s shining where you are as full-on as it is here, and I hope your Thursday will be all good stuff.
I change my desktop wallpaper the way some people change underwear, which is to say at least once a week. I like interesting, energizing change, while generally hating change I didn’t ask for, and the scenery on my toys is an easy fix for boredom and ennui… sometimes. So there’s that.
Easter weekend was quiet here and was also the first Saturday for Farmers’ Market this spring. They always set up a half-block south of us and it was packed over there. I love to see it… the early-morning chatter below our windows, kids running ahead of parents, lots of happy interaction. It’s been going on every year since we moved here, spring through fall, and the stability represents something important to me.
We’ve all been living in a stop-and-start world for enough years now that some of us are almost getting used to the periodic upheaval. I’m in favor of flexibility and adjustment to circumstances, but there are things in life we can’t quietly acquiesce to and tell ourselves to “keep moving, nothing to see here.” The last five years before my spinal surgery in 2021 were almost a write-off, with me spending more than 99% of my time within these walls, so coming out of that I’ve been gung-ho to do a few things to celebrate and respect being able to get around on my own. My timing may be a little off… sometimes you get there too early or just a hair too late, dang the luck… but I’m used to two steps forward followed by one in reverse, so I know the drill. Life has the power to be deadly discouraging, but I hope all the lessons it’s taught me will prove helpful at some point in the imagined future. That would be super cool. I mean, I know the foregoing sounds obscure, but how much patience does an old crone like me really need? A hell of a lot as it turns out. Same with acceptance, serenity, and a lack of dependence on the outside world in general. Life does what it will and we mostly follow like lemmings because we aren’t particularly quick studies in that sense, and whaddaya gonna do? Full disclosure: What we’re gonna do is behave and do what LIFE says, because she’s in charge. (I pledged long ago to tell you the truth in all things.)
In my ongoing quest to learn something new every day that I can take with me, I’m liking this simple graphic. Seems helpful:
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Also this one, which reminds me there are lots of ways to be proactive:
I plead guilty on fully half of these, so okay, challenge accepted.
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Every day of my life so far has been a result of the positive outweighing the negative, and so has yours or you wouldn’t be here. It’s okay to keep believing that things will get better, because they do tend in that direction.
As usual, fickle spring can’t make up her mind, and she will have it her way regardless. It looks perfectly lovely outside but when I opened the balcony door after sunrise, I was instantly made aware of the real-feel temp. Doesn’t matter, it’s just weather and we haven’t a particle of power to change it day to day, which would be easier to take if we had even a smidgen of influence on the rest of life. It’s part of my job to warn you that the aging process inevitably brings loss in most every direction, and far sooner than we’re led to believe: loss of influence, loss of credibility, of independence, of energy, strength, and power, among other attributes we formerly took for granted. Sooner than we could possibly anticipate, we start to sense that we’re next-in-line for increased outside input concerning our well-being and security. Lord, I was just there with six older family members! Facts say it’s been more than twenty years since I played the caregiver role, but in my economy it was only yesterday… and although we’re not there yet, I can feel it creeping up to scope us out. Oh, the places we’ll go, the realizations we’ll make along the way. Life is… weird. And a little anticlimactic. Is this all there is? Send in the clowns…
In retrospect, 2022 was a daunting challenge every day, and 2023 isn’t proving to be very inventive on its own because it’s more of the same. A person could worry.
Nevertheless, we press on…
I know this much is true:
We’re all pedaling as fast as we can.
As soon as we know better, we try to do better.
My old-lady gripe is that life moves a pinch too fast from womb to tomb. It never slows for us, and by the time we figure a couple of things out we’re, as my grandma said, “too soon old, too late shmart.” Pisses me off, that sense of powerlessness. But as a Teutonic realist, I see the dilemma for what it is… life’s current and coming challenge is to hang in and get better because the alternative creates even more righteous rage within. And silent rage is treacherous because it’s a gateway drug to depression, which is the opposite of living. We don’t wanna go there.
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Welcome to my weekly blog on life's happiness. We are all human and we all deserve to smile. Click a blog title or scroll down. Thanks for stopping by.
Creative humour, satire and other bad ideas by Ross Murray, an author living in the Eastern Townships of Quebec, Canada. Is it truth or fiction? Only his hairdresser knows for sure.
Playing for Time 
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