Queer-Eye for the Straight Girl


Alex, I’ll take “PARTIES” for a hundred, please.

Here we go …  Every woman’s response to “We’re having a party.”

Mashes the buzzer! …  What is “I have nothing to wear?”


Casino Night is looming on the horizon, a dress-up affair at Abe & Jake’s Landing, significant because friends are hosting and it will potentially benefit other friends.  I’m slated to give a speech but I have NOTHING TO WEAR so I’m not too pumped about the whole thing.

Enter my friends Adam and Seth, armed with knowledge from every episode of What Not to Wear, Project Runway, their own impeccable taste, et.al.   A shopping date is set for the following week, beginning with a lunch of salad and wine.  Thus fortified we hit the stores, fearless and ready to incite terror on both sides of the street.  A saleswoman whispers to me early on, “These guys are making me nervous.”

THESE guys?  You mean the ones who are giving you a break by zeroing in on a selection of flattering outfits from your store and thanking me for considering any and all options?  The guys who are giving up their day to make sure I have a fabulous time shopping, so I can relax and enjoy a great night out with people I love?  These two guys who have a gift for showing how much they care?  Yeah, well.  Get outta heah.

After a lifetime as a skinny-minny, a series of crushing blows caused me to almost disappear from grief anorexia. What followed was so much unexpected and over-the-top happiness that I starting packing on the pounds, neutralizing my shopping mojo.  Because, you know … before I bought any more clothes I was definitely gonna lose the extra weight and be me again in the eyes of the world, never mind that in the meantime I’d turned into a better person than I was when I was a skinny biotch.  Fortunately, my guys didn’t for a second consider letting me off the hook, and they rate massive kudos for changing my perspective.

We found the dress in the first shop we hit.  And the jewelry.  And a pair of skinny black pants and a silky top.  AND another dress that was on sale for a stupidly low price, nabbed after Seth stood me sideways in front of the 3-way mirror and told me with a sweep of his arm to “Concentrate on this great rack!” then cupped my ass in his hands and crowed “Just look at these two amazing Christmas hams!”  We heard a gasp from the sales clerk, followed by “Can he SAY that?”  Yes, yes he can.  Love and respect buy immunity.

In the second shop the guys found a pair of not-Mom-jeans and a top from the sale rack that we couldn’t believe no one had snapped up.  My confidence was increasing by the hour and I was into my Happy Dance.  Another store or four, a purchase here and there, and we realized it was almost 7pm.  Tired and hungry, we crossed the street for drinks, appetizers, and a review of the game plan.  Adam placed a Zappos shoe order on his phone and just like that I had everything I needed for the big party.  Oh yeah, the party!  I’d sort of lost sight of the original mission because the party was already ON.

I’ve dropped a few pounds in the weeks since, but I may or may not ever be skeletal again.  My friends clearly do not care and I don’t either.  The bonus is that Kim has never really minded one way or another — the angst was mine alone and was overdue for a kick to the curb.  We live in a university town where the options for enjoyment are nearly endless — who wants to worry over chunks of dessert, impromptu foodgasms on somebody’s balcony, late-night drinks at sidewalk cafes, or breakfast twice in one day?  Worry is for chumps.

Seth put shiny stuff in my hair, I wore the dress and rocked the speech, we gambled for a worthy cause, we danced, we laughed, we ate good food and toasted each other with great wine, and the tumblers in my brain spun and lined up.  The obvious is true — I’m not a number on the scale, I’m not my dress size, I’m that girl who loves life, qualifiers be damned.  When’s the next party?


1) Casino Night … 2) the Christmas Ham dress with my favorite date … and 3) my newlywed personal shoppers, Seth and Adam …










24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara Downing
    Oct 02, 2014 @ 11:36:23

    The photo of you on the balcony wearing that sexy outfit caught my attention. WOW !! You look so goooood !!



  2. Grief Happens
    Sep 29, 2014 @ 11:31:41

    You look amazing! It’s so good to see your posts pop up in my reader.



  3. 1pointperspective
    Sep 29, 2014 @ 06:00:33

    Snarky sent me. Attitude says so much more than clothes (or pork product analogies). Looking damn good!



  4. Margarita
    Sep 27, 2014 @ 09:30:27

    You All look FABULOUS! 😉 xoM



  5. Jueseppi B.
    Sep 26, 2014 @ 21:33:01

    Reblogged this on MrMilitantNegro™.



  6. Miss Snarky Pants
    Sep 26, 2014 @ 21:27:39

    Reblogged this on Miss Snarky Pants and commented:
    Meet Judy. She is one of a few friends, whom I met through blogging, who have become very dear to me because of her warmth, humor, kindness, generosity and optimism. She is my friend and she is branching out in her writing in a wonderful, creative and sassy way that is hilarious and uplifting, without being saccharine and nauseating. Take this journey with me….

    Liked by 1 person


  7. Miss Snarky Pants
    Sep 26, 2014 @ 21:20:53

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post. And your hair. And the dress. And your gay husbands. And Kim. And you, most of all. And your new tell-all, sassy storytelling. Girl, I am hooked. Perhaps I’m biased, and if I am, it’s because my taste is impeccable, you’re an incredible human being, and everyone should be following this blog and reading every single post. Will be reblogging and sharing all over FB. Much love, MSP XOXOXO



  8. Sammy D.
    Sep 23, 2014 @ 15:30:42

    You all look happy – THAT’s most important. Secondly, you look STYLIN’. 🙂



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