No compromise …

Come at me, life …

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Mama said there’d be days like this …

Fun morning here.  For starters, I answered the doorbell in my PJs, only to come face to face with the head of our Homeowners Association.  I had my FIRST delightful encounter with her the day we moved in.  Something about the rule book and timing and blah-blah-blah.  Couldn’t say exactly, as she was standing, uninvited, in my space, whacking me over the head with rules she hadn’t bothered to notify us about, so I tuned her out.  No biggie.  This morning’s surprise visit was about something equally inconsequential which she could have taken care of by looking with her eyes, so it was a non-moment.  But you know how things like that set a tone.

No connection with the homeowner person, but there are days when all you do is cry.  It doesn’t change anything, but it gets that stuff out there where you can look at it and try to figure out if it’s as scary as it seems, as hurtful as it feels, as huge as it looks.  And no matter what, if it feels like your heart is shattering it’s huge.   It’s been a long time since I’ve cried for myself, my own hurt feelings, my disappointments.  It’s the people I care desperately about who can break me down into little pieces and bring my day to a halt.  Family.  Friends.  The things that rock their world in a bad way shut mine down.  When somebody I love is hurting I want to either hole up and not see another human being, or dig my Superman cape out of the laundry and confront the world.  If I couldn’t vent on a daily basis to a lucky group of Facebook friends I’d probably be in jail.  They help fill up my “give a damn” bucket when it’s empty, and they can’t possibly know how vital a service that is.  Most of them I’ve never (yet) met in person, but just by getting it they heal me.  What a gift not to have to explain things.

So my husband, who really IS Superman, took me to lunch and we tried a new place and I ended up crying at the table while I was trying to tell him what was going on in my stupid heart.  Our waitress looked concerned, but I smiled at her later — “See?  I’m fine!” — and she won’t remember me next time we go there so who cares.  And Kim gets it, bless him.  I try not to tell him ALL the things — he has his own stuff to wrestle with — but he always knows when I’m getting out of sorts so it’s only fair to let him know he didn’t do anything to make that happen.  He makes the GOOD things happen and he saves my life all over again every day.

It’s starting to sound like the world will keep on turning, so I might get some music happening and work on the closet for a while.  And maybe tomorrow the sun will shine.

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Why we write …

we write

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You have to start somewhere …

You don’t start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it’s good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it.

That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.

— Octavia E. Butler

A woman's hands on a computer keyboard

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Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate!

hot chocolate

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Winter …

Looks a little like the north end of Mass Street.

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Tell me about epiphany in your life!

Everyone needs an epiphany for the new year and mine showed up this morning when I was making the bed.  While I was looking out over the snowy rooftops of the town we love, a thought exploded in my brain.  I’m in the process of checking for collateral damage from the explosion, but the idea itself came on like a freight train:  “Why are you still holding a grudge against the people who got you to this wonderful place?”

Why indeed.  Toward the end of December, WordPress put out a Daily Prompt that said “Share a story where it was very difficult for you to forgive the perpetrator for wronging you, but you did it — you forgave them.”  Someone instantly came to mind and I kept thinking about her off and on until this morning’s little gift.  I knew she’d wronged me, and I knew I hadn’t forgiven her.

Wikipedia says:  “An epiphany is an experience of sudden and striking realization.  Generally the term is used to describe scientific breakthrough, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective.”

Exactly.  It was suddenly clear to me that if it hadn’t been for the wild whims and incomprehensible decisions on the part of Kim’s boss, we’d still be caught in our old life.  Instead, we’ve been able in the last four months to exchange:

  • seriously reclusive habits … for a busy, fun, crazy social life;
  • a smattering of fast-food places and Mexican restaurants … for nearly every possible food category, in abundance;
  • a once-in-a-while opportunity to go to a concert … for a nightly offering of live music from around the world;
  • limited opportunity to be part of a vital, welcoming theatre community … for nearly unlimited ways to do so;
  • a situation where we were two blue marbles in an enormous sea of red … for being part of a big blue sea;
  • feeling like a couple of sore thumbs … for feeling accepted; or to channel Sally Fields, for knowing that “these people like us.”

And there’s so very much more.  We love it here.

But we’d still be immersed in our same old situation if not for Kim’s boss giving him an ultimatum:  NO days off during the run of a show.  That would have meant twenty-three straight working days every other month, many of them 12 to 14 hours on his feet, with no break, seven months out from a serious heart attack and bypass surgery.  I was livid — this woman was trying to kill my husband!  She’d already stacked his schedule to the max — this was the last straw.  I put my foot down.  The job ended abruptly, and then a really amazing thing happened — circumstances fell into place, one by one, to get us the hell outta Dodge.

This morning I finally got it that I owe that crazy lady a debt of thanks.  For one thing, she didn’t truly wrong ME.  And for another, she didn’t deliberately try to kill my husband.  And all the theatre friends who “abandoned” us were simply living their own lives.   Finally, I can stop taking poison and expecting someone else to die.  After months of angst, I can unload the whole thing and celebrate the fact that what may have been meant for ill has resulted in boatloads of happiness.

And then I saw on Facebook that today really is the Epiphany.  Perfect.

move on

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Progress in the new year …

Today brings a quick overnight trip to get a trailer-load of items from our condo — more of the little things that make a house (loft) a home, plus our washer & dryer and Kim’s music equipment.  And then by next week at the latest I’ll be hoping to start turning over a few “new leaves.”  A daily post here on my blog, quality time spent at the piano, more walking, less eating … and there will be others.  I’m sure you noticed that I’m not calling these things “resolutions” — for me it would be the kiss of death and they would barely see daylight before shriveling up and crumbling in a big mess on the floor.

I hope 2014 has started out fresh and positive for everyone, and I hope above all to be here enough this year to get to know each of you a lot better!

newy

 

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Happy 2014 to all my friends!

HNY2014 for blog

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