So you know who isn’t a suck-up?

… my husband.  Never was, never will be.  He had the advantage of growing up in southern California, which is to western Kansas what the Met is to the Grand Ol’ Opry.  No aspersions being cast, just different scenarios.  Out there they had no idea who their next-door neighbors were and that’s exactly the way everybody wanted it.

Kim’s been good for me in ways that would be difficult to delineate, but let me just say that no self-doubt or suck-up-ish-ness is encouraged in any way.  We are two blue dots in a vast sea of red.  No problem.  In some ways we’re hippy holdovers in redneck country.  No problem.  When all the world is looking for something new and exciting to do, we’d much rather be home together.  No problem whatsoever!

He recently left a job (for the preservation of his health) where he apparently didn’t please a single person except for most of the patrons he fed during the run of the stage shows.  And even some of those … it is, after all, the heartland, where you could put a plate of roadkill in front of most people and they’ll tell you it’s just fine, thanks.  That’s not what they say to their table mates and neighbors, of course, but what can you do — it’s the freaking heartland.  He’s held management positions most of his life and this is the first one in which he was not allowed to manage.  He’s a man brimming with ideas.  Ways to make things run more efficiently.  Ways to make the experience better for the ticket-holders.  Never mind, it’s the freaking “we’ve never done it that way before” heartland!  Easy to come off as the world’s biggest A-hole if you try to change anything here.

Despite the unfortunate fallout created by the clash of two diametrically-opposed worlds, however, he remains unrepentant and unscathed.  And that’s just the way we like it.  He gives me the courage every day to get up and be myself.  And I like to think I give him a reason every day to be the best A-hole he can possibly be.  It’s a formula that’s worked for us for over nine years.  As the cliche’ goes, if it ain’t broke …

kid-flipping-bird

So, are you a people-pleaser?

Were you raised on a farm?  In a tiny town?  A metro area, but within a tight-knit neighborhood where people knew your business before you did?  Then you’re already on the same page with me.  If none of that fits you, I’m not sure I have enough words to explain it to you.

I was raised on a farm close to a tiny town that was one tight-knit neighborhood, and those people definitely knew my business.  All of it – some of which I never knew happened until I heard about it second-hand.

I’m sure it’ll shock you to know I grew up a people-pleaser from about Day One.  I wasn’t necessarily a Good Girl, but it was wildly important to me that people think I was — all those relatives and townspeople who were older than I, and whose lives I knew nothing about.  What a revelation when I grew up, left home, and started hearing the stories about THEM … of course, by then it was too late.

There’s also the unfortunate fact that a certain amount of suck-up-ish-ness seems to be genetically transmitted.  There were kids in school who couldn’t possibly have cared any less what some classmate or adult thought of them and the things they did.  It was “Get outta my way, I’m on a roll here.”  My guess is most of them ended up in politics.

I wanted to please my parents, my grandparents, my Sunday school teachers, my school teachers, I wanted to somehow please God, none of which is a bad thing.  But who was I?   I got married at 22 and was at least 50 before I stopped trying to make every word out of my mouth, every desire of my heart, every dream line up with what I thought my husband wanted.

After a few years of getting to know myself and realizing that I could trust my own thoughts, I met and married a man who also trusts my brain and loves every inch of me as is.  I mean it when I say it’s fun to be me.

Meanwhile, a bunch of years stacked up and now my driver’s license claims I’m 65, which is beyond ridiculous.  I don’t want to be old, so I’m not.  But I do love the freedom of not having to care whether or not people approve of who I am.  Tact is a valuable commodity and I don’t set out to antagonize anyone, but neither do I censor my convictions.  My ideas and beliefs are as legitimate as the next person’s.  It took me a lifetime to get here and I’m not going back.

I recently reduced my Facebook friends list from far too many to still almost too much.  Those who remain are either family or are there for every other possible reason.  They’ll stay or go, as they decide.  The me you see is the me I am, end of story.

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A Mother’s Day Tribute

Brought forward and adapted from my original blog …

My mom has been in my thoughts all week.  It probably doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that Sunday is Mother’s Day, but there it is.

 My mother was a complex contradiction in terms, as moms the world over tend to be.  She grew up all tomboy with six brothers and two sisters, while at the same time evolving into an indisputably voluptuous young woman.  She was born and raised in a small Kansas town, went to tiny schools, and was afforded the limited educational choices that generally attach to such an environment; but curiosity, intelligence, and EQ were in her DNA, so she was on a quest for learning from the start.

 Mother graduated high school and then earned what was known as an Emergency Teaching Certificate through a six-week course at the nearest state teachers’ college, 150 miles away.  This was during WWII and the times called for desperate measures.  At 18 years of age, she taught for one year in a country school where most of the older boys were taller than she.  Then she met my dad and that temporarily ended her teaching career.  She married a few months short of her 19th birthday, and three weeks shy of her 20th she delivered her first baby – me.

   Four more babies followed, one of whom she lost during delivery, and what with being a mother and a wife and filling countless other roles, she didn’t get around to college again for a decade and a half.  There was never a time, however, when she wasn’t reading at least two or three books and filling journals with her thoughts.

 Finally, when I was a junior in high school, she enrolled in the local community college and graduated with honors.  Then she went on to the local four-year college and matriculated with highest honors.  With those credentials she taught English, Drama and Yearbook for several years at the high school my siblings and I attended.  My two sisters and brother all experienced the genuine privilege of having her as a teacher.  Later, she taught EMR (old label which stood for Educable Mentally Retarded) classes, and was one of a handful of women who founded the Learning Co-op for this part of the state.  I was thoroughly immersed in my own life by then and didn’t keep up with everything she was doing, but I knew enough to be very proud of her.

 Somewhere in there, Mother earned a Master’s degree, and had family circumstances not intervened it’s highly probable she would have gone on to get a doctorate.

   Because of Mother’s love of learning and reading, my sisters and brother and I grew up in a household of books.  When we were little she spent a lot of time reading to us, and later on carted us to the Carnegie Library every week or so and let us choose our own stack of books to take home.  She had a small office filled with books, and her end of the couch was surrounded by yet more books and notebooks.  Each of us absorbed her priorities and ended up with our own love of reading and writing.

 Sadly, we had to say goodbye to our mother far too early.  A sudden heart attack took her from us when she was just 67 years old.  I often find myself wondering what she might be like now in her 80s, but I need only remember what her mother – my grandmother – was like into her 90s — beautiful, intelligent, interesting, kind, thoughtful, fun-loving and funny.  I miss them both,  and therein lies another story ….

Mommy & Me on Mother's Day

Mommy & Me on Mother’s Day

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Fair-weather … everything!

So today my plan was to slog through the last stack of paper in my office, but it’s cloudy out.  Yesterday’s plans went off the rails because the darn sun was shining.  And the two days prior to yesterday, if I remember correctly, it was raining.  Sort of.  Some of the time.  So yeah, not sure when I’ll be able to deal with this final eyesore.  Soon.  I’m sure of it.

Daily Prompt: Key Takeaway

Give your newer sisters and brothers-in-WordPress one piece of advice based on your experiences blogging.

My advice can be distilled into one sentence:  Make your blog a priority.

Write something every day, whether or not you decide to publish it.  Hang around the Community Pool (http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/community-pool-12/) in order to pick up new ideas and benefit from the experience of others.  Exercise your curiosity.  Ask questions.  Stretch your wings creatively and always be willing to learn something new, add a new element to your blog site, change it up, keep it fresh.  Make friends in the WordPress community — there are thousands of people here and you will surely connect with at least a percentage of them.  If your early attempts at blogging do not meet with success, either in your own estimation or as reflected by a lack of following, don’t give up easily.  Try changing your focus, seek input from friends and fellow bloggers, gain knowledge and understanding through reading the selections on Freshly Pressed and elsewhere around the site.  Blogging is a highly satisfying endeavor and it’s worth staying with until things start to click!

The first step in blogging is not writing them but reading them.     ~Jeff Jarvis

A quick P.S. … Your phone is an excellent resource for note-taking on the run.  Jot down every idea that pops into your head because I can pretty much guarantee it won’t be there later when you try to recall what it was.  I use the Voice Memo feature on my iPhone when I’m walking — works really well.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/daily-prompt-key-takeaway/

Daily Prompt: Evasive Action

What’s the most significant secret you’ve ever kept?  Did the truth ever come out?

A fabulous secret has been mine to keep for the past several years, and the truth will finally be known to all concerned very soon.  If you’re ever just bursting to share something, but don’t want it to be public knowledge yet — or ever — feel free to tell me — I can most definitely keep a secret.  I like good news secrets best, but I’ve also been the holder of sad secrets, scary secrets, slightly dangerous secrets, and run-of-the-mill secrets.  The real secret to a secret is that whatever it entails it’s the sole property of its owner and, therefore, sacred.  And one special perk of being a secret-holder is that when its owner says “Go,” you have the privilege of spilling the beans to everyone … or to a hand-picked few.  Watch this space …

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/daily-prompt-secrets/

Daily Prompt: The Glass

Is the glass half full or half empty?

My glass is nearly always half full, at the very least.  And if it’s half empty, that can only mean that I at some point gleefully helped myself to the top half.  Life is very clearly there to be lived!  Why else would it go on and on for most of us?  I talk with cautious people every day who are afraid to risk anything, and their lives make me feel sad and frustrated.  There are things I’m physically unable to take on, but the world inside my head is full of excitement and challenge and change!  Balls to the wall, boys and girls — make a difference!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/daily-prompt-the-glass/

It’s the little things …

Daily Prompt: Describe a little thing — one of the things you love that defines your world but is often overlooked.

 

The freshly-ground coffee my husband makes every morning before my eyes are open.

That oversize steaming mug, delivered with a kiss.

Hot showers, satisfying work, the quiet rhythm of my house.

Music, music, music, under over around all of life.

Joy because this:  My husband.  My son.

The little things are the big things and there could never be just one.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/daily-prompt-little-things/

 

It’s not you, it’s me …

To what extent is your blog a place for your own self-expression and creativity vs. a site designed to attract readers? How do you balance that? If sticking to certain topics and types of posts meant your readership would triple, would you do it?

Well, to be honest … which is a good approach under most circumstances … my blog is for me.  Whatever load of creativity the DNA genie bestowed on me goes into my blog, my Facebook page, my house, and my erratically churning thought processes.

I love it when people come to my blog and comment on what they see there.  It’s lovely, it’s gratifying, it gives me warm gooshy feelings all over.  I even get off on seeing how many people have been here, whether they say anything or not.

But would I write for a select audience in opposition to, or to the exclusion of, what I really believe and feel?  I’d like to think I wouldn’t.  Attention is a jealous mistress who gets her hooks into us when we see ourselves as immune … but I’d hate to think I’d throw away the hodge-podge of experience I’ve accumulated and become a sell-out.

Or maybe that isn’t what it’s about at all.  Maybe it’s about finding and connecting with varied personality types and saying things they enjoy hearing.

If my readership tripled, I’m sure I’d be looking at what made that happen.  Meanwhile, I’m just trying to keep all the plates spinning … wife, mom, Facebook maven, blogger.  I swear to myself every week (don’t listen, please) to be better about keeping up with the other bloggers I follow, get right in there and rub elbows, talk about what is and what isn’t, leave thoughtful comments on their posts, build community …

But look at me.  I’m over a day late with this “daily” prompt.  I started it yesterday morning right after getting the message … and then the blog posts stacked up and the emails poured in and my Facebook peeps were having fun without me and my husband needed to talk, and an industry blog wanted a commitment, and the coffee was running out and I was running behind anditallgotkindacrazy and  …

No, clearly my blog is for me.  I need it.  My immediate world needs it.  There couldn’t be any cheaper therapy.  I’ll stick with what I love, and people are welcome – invited – to stop by and love it or leave it.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/daily-prompt-personal-space/

Hiding in haiku …

breezes blowing soft

heat to follow on their heels

freezes coming next

 

StrangeWeather.2a

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Grateful for “the helpers” …

Perfect morning for a walk — it wasn’t very exercise-y, but the mild temps and light breeze made strolling, stopping for a sit on most of the benches along the way, looking at the geese in the meadow and turtles in the ponds, and talking, talking, talking an exercise in true happiness.  My steady-as-a-rock-through-anything husband listened to the litany of blues that have buried me since yesterday … lent perspective as only he can do … made me throw back my head and laugh … and as always, the light changed, even just a little.  Thank you, babe.

And this was at the top of my Facebook news feed when I sat down in my office …

 

Just stop

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My life in liquids …

Coffee gets me out of bed in the mornings — rich, full-bodied, black and hot.

Water gets me through the day — clean, cold and crystal-clear.

Red wine takes me through the evening — velvety, lush, heart-healthy and shared.

Yes indeed, life is good.

SaturYAY!

It’s interesting to realize that even for two people who are without adult supervision and making it up every day as they go, the weekends still have their own special rhythm.  Saturday mornings continue to hold the extra buzz of knowing the day is fully ours even before we open our eyes.  The other days too, but the unique freedom of the weekend is imprinted on our psyches after all our years in the work force.

Saturday in good weather is a day for taking the recycle bins to the drop-off station … working in the yard … watching televised sports.  But first comes The Breakfast – Kim’s unmatched rendition of eggs and hash browns, followed by a long soak in the hot-tub and nonstop free-wheeling conversation.

And then Sunday morning dawns. Sundays are full of music and books and walks, and all the conversation and laughter two people can share.   Sundays are about feeling safe and quiet and loved.  Sundays are so sweet that we find ourselves wanting to postpone Monday mornings!   Silly us …

Speaking of tolerance …

An observation:  In my dotage, my willingness to suffer fools gladly, tolerate deliberate obtuseness, subscribe to another person’s take on truth, and tightly censor myself seems to be slipping away.  I still remember how to do all that … I’m just losing my willing spirit.  Life is too short for endless suffocating banality.

Another observation:  The most annoyingly off-base people seem to possess not a shred of self-doubt.

And another:  It does no good to harbor hurt feelings over the thoughtlessness of other people — they’re simply wrapped up in doing the same thing I am … living life.  Okay, okay … so now we’ve come full circle.  Maybe I should put on my adult-size girlie undies and deal with it.

forget what hurt you

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Change is what life’s all about …

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/weekly-photo-challenge-change/

Old House

I can feel the mix of emotions experienced by the farm wife who, through the wonder of a time machine, finds herself standing in front of her former home — the one she watched her raw new husband build board by board, then furnished with the bare necessities of life and swept daily with a crude broom in order to keep the dust to a dull roar.  I see her sending her stoic farmer for the mid-wife and birthing their babies in the same bed where they were made out of love and awkwardness-turned-to-familiarity.  I see her well-tended garden gone to ruin and reclaimed by the elements.  Her disbelief.  Her chagrin.  The ache in her heart.  The incomprehensible change that overtook it all once she was out of the picture.

I see the change in my own life, moving from painful to sweet, that has brought me to the man who pulls off the highway, drives down a dirt road, and treks across a wheat field because he spots just the photograph I need for my blog.

I try to open-heartedly embrace change since I learned years ago that it’s what life’s all about.  Once you get that far, it all becomes infinitely simpler to deal with.

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