Playing for Time

Woke up this morning in the middle of a dream where all the people I used to know were energetically ostracizing me, turns out because I wouldn’t do whatever it was they wanted me to do. I didn’t see any family faces in the crowd, just an auditorium filled with random people from my childhood to recent past, who were now stolid in their unanimous repudiation, and there I was alone inside my bad self, feeling calm but annoyed. Unfortunately, Kim chose that moment to advance my wake cycle so we’ll never know how I would have resolved the whole thing, but I was holding my own so far.

When I told him the main theme he labeled it a nightmare, but it didn’t feel that way at the time and hasn’t left me with a sense of dread after. Sitting here I realize why. In the dream sequence I was fully in control of my present because my sleep-brain said so, thus no fear. That knowledge gives me renewed energy for staying in control of my present in my waking hours, challenging as that may prove to be.

Here’s the tricky part: It was obvious in this morning’s trip to la-la-land that every person confronting me with his or her personal rendering of truth was sincere to the gills. Each one had my shining best interests in mind and deeply wanted to impart to me the things they knew. No one seemed angry – they were all sad, not mad – disappointed to the core that I could be satisfied with being a holdout, an unbeliever.

The weight of other people’s disillusionment grows ponderous in a hurry if you soak it up like a sponge, so I’m thinking I won’t do that, this morning’s apparition being the very heads-up needed for today.

Pretty sure all my psyche wants is a decent hiatus, during which it will undoubtedly team up with Ms. Brain and Ms. Heart again so we can get back to work.