Playing for Time

Queen of Overthinking here, hand in the air, self-admitting for rehab this morning because see, the problem is, I have the uncanny ability to sniff out a plot, a mad-on, a what-did-they-mean-by-that comment; become righteously offended enough for all of us put together; and take myself to the brink of various irreversible reactions quicker than you can whisper “This isn’t about you, cupcake.”  It’s like my brain has a life of its own and gets off on working overtime and then I need an intervention.

When one has spent (long, you wouldn’t believe, bubbie) years UN-becoming a pleaser, one oh so does want to believe that perceived slights, digs, and omissions mean nothing. Nothing at all. Why, then, does one’s tiny “I remember potty training with its attendant shame and failure” brain still have the power to do such a number on one’s heart and psyche?  Well, never mind, I guess — that’s one for Freud and Co.

Fear of rejection!  It’s why we don’t just say what we feel, and mean what we say — give it a rest, Sigmund, I’ve got this.  My years of diligent Facebook application have brought me to this bold moment wherein I ask:  Why don’t we just say what we feel and mean what we say?  Did I not just say that?  And the answer is right here in bold, jeez, are you not paying attention?

Fear of rejection almost tricked me into jeopardizing some irreplaceable friendships just recently. Tiny Brain told me “You’re in the way, back off, give space.”  Turns out space was the last thing my friends needed so it was pretty much looking to them like nobody cared.  Just saying how I felt would have been a smart thing to do.  Note to self:  Tiny Brain is not to be put in charge of anything whatsoever at any time, in any place, as pain will ensue.

I overthink most things, though, not just what I think other people are thinking.  There’s a card here on my desk that we received three weeks ago from Maddie’s veterinary office, not only signed by everyone there, including Seth the pharmacist, but with a personal note from each doctor and staff member that let us know they genuinely saw our little fur-girl and recognized her spirit.  It made both of us cry big tears all over again and I was absolutely going to write a heartfelt reply that evening except that other things intervened and it all cooled down just a bit while I was thinking, but I still want to say exactly the right things because their caring touched us so much, and I’m still looking at the card … here on my desk … unanswered.  An imperfectly worded but genuine response will be written and mailed today, somebody hold me accountable, please and thank you.  Okay, too busy justifying today, so tomorrow for sure.  I’ve started a rough draft …

I read a great article the other day about why we procrastinate, but I immediately forgot what the hook was and I’ve inexplicably been putting off going back to look for it, ha. Queen of Overthinking / Queen of Procrastination / World Domination.

   And life is too short and relationships too valuable not to say what you feel and mean what you say.