Rainy days and holidays …

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The rain … on the plain … leads cruelly to pain … (think Bob Dylan) … but I’m fatally attracted, I’ll never not love rain.  We’ve had buckets of it this spring and summer and our rivers are flowing full and beyond.  The trees are glorious!  Everything’s green and blooming and couldn’t feel more conducive to smiling and laughing and cavorting outside and taking naps.  What is it about an accidental, or entirely on purpose, nap on a soft sunny day that tells us we’ve been kind to ourselves and it’s more than okay?

Yesterday was full of family, food, and fireworks.  Oh, yours too?  And did you have the feeling all day that you could easily nod off and not miss a thing because it would all go right on swirling around you and soaking into your DNA for yet another year?  Yeah, works every time.  All that rain did its thing and produced a perfect day here — blue skies, quiet beauty, and peace, other than the astounding amount of ordnance being detonated all around us especially after dark.  Like true American warriors, we assimilated the audio into our psyches and marched on … through a mountain of burgers and brats, potato salad, baked beans, pasta salad, deviled eggs, guac & chips, an array of cold liquids, and homemade Butterfinger ice cream.  (Not a complete list.)

Little girls lighting pastel-colored smoke bombs with Papa, sets of sisters in three generations being goofy together, bros bro-ing, beer chilling before swilling, everything easy-going and sweet-feeling.  Turns out the America we grew up in … and were pretty sure we remembered … still exists and is way worth saving.  The friends who friend us, the family who love us, the times spent just being together, are still the real stuff, and there are days when you know you’d lay down your life for it.

Happy July 4th, America.  Thank you for your patience and long-suffering while we try to solve the puzzle of being human.  You’re a Good Girl.

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Forget throwbacks …

Throwback Thursday offends my sense of independence so here’s one for Friday — the house where my paternal grandpa was born, near Corydon, Indiana.  In the picture are my great-grandparents George and Salome (Sally) Wagner, my grandpa John, his sister Annie and brother Otto, and their half-sister Teena (always called Teenie, although she never was).  I’d heard stories about the house “all my life,” and when I was in college I drove my grandma there as part of a road trip to visit relatives in several states.  Grandpa had died several years earlier, and on her own after more than 60 years married, Grandma was in want of an adventure.  On the Indiana leg of our trip we took our time locating the house, and found it beautifully cared for by its current owners, much to my grandma’s relief.  The descriptions and tales from my relatives made the yard and outbuildings feel sweetly familiar to me, and the cistern at the bottom of the slope out front where my Wagner kindred stored their perishables was still being fed by the same ice-cold spring.

We humans are so connected to our roots.  Whether we understand it or not, there’s a longing for where and what we came from. Other than not having Grandpa in the car with us, the trip with my grandma was a full-circle experience.  And driving her cross-country broadened my knowledge of her, her life, and her family relationships.  This was highly beneficial for a college girl who didn’t know quite everything yet.

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This is getting ridiculous …

I can’t write, I might as well face it and move on.

It isn’t that I can’t write, I know how, but the words have all gone somewhere else.  Things come to me but I don’t make it to the end of the first sentence and the orphaned drafts are starting to rack up bandwidth.    I have pressure behind my eyes from needing to write something that doesn’t suck, but I sit here every day and do nothing but procrastinate.

Yes, I would like some brie with that whine, be right back …

Wrote that a week ago, walked away from it, looked through some old photos that same afternoon and wrote this.  On Facebook.  Just like that, shazott.  Learned something about myself that’s been knocking around in my head all week, and when it settles into a shape and forms sentences, I’ll share.

So from a week ago …

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Did you get the memo saying PLEASE, NO THROWBACK HUMPDAY PHOTOS??  Neither did I.

This one has layers. Start with where the truck is parked. The blue spruce snuggled up to the passenger side was brought from Colorado, by my grandparents, as a seedling back in ought-whenever because that was perfectly legal then. It grew to many, many feet tall and almost as many feet wide at the base until one day in a storm it simply came out of the ground and assumed a horizontal position, landing on and against the house but wreaking minimal havoc. (Back-story: My grandparents’ house is to the right, where we see part of a roof.)

Then there’s the truck, a fixture of my childhood. It was gray and pretty wonderful, and when my dad drove it to town with the first cutting of wheat to test for moisture content, the gray-dust-covered elevator guys motioned him to drive the front wheels onto the lift, because of course there were no hydraulics under the bed … and then they raised the front of the truck high enough for the wheat to pour out the open tailgate in the back. Which was pretty freaking high to a seven-year-old and he only let me stay in the cab with him once, but not because I cried. I’m pretty sure he decided Mother wouldn’t approve.

Which brings us to the watermelons. Big, dark green, full of luscious red fruit, and juice that ran down our chins and made everything stick to our hands. Every summer, a truckload like this and far more came from my grandpa’s big patch in the middle of a section, next to an irrigation engine. The melon patch was raided one night by a couple of carloads of high school kids — the four girls dropped the four guys off and drove around the section (a square mile), stopping to let their boyfriends stash gunny sacks full of melons in the car trunks. My dad, Grandpa, and a couple of the neighbors, alerted by the sudden rash of traffic in the middle of nowhere, ambushed them in mid-haul, blinded them with spotlights, and panic ensued. The girls drove off, the boys lost their shoes in a field covered in Texas Tacks, and the whole thing ended up in court. My grandpa didn’t mind a melon going missing once in a while, but he held a big feed for the whole township every year and it made him mad that these guys had stolen more than thirty of his prize watermelons and deliberately destroyed a goodly number of the rest just for the hell of it. But it infuriated him even more when he asked the ringleader’s name and the kid said “John Wagner.” That was my grandpa’s name and he thought he had a bona fide smart-ass  in front of him. True story, though, and Big Daddy was an attorney — with the same name. I understand it got fairly comical during the hearing but my grandpa never cracked a smile.  Fun and games. Told you. Layers.

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Oh, look, another TBT …

Bit of a rocky week here, but who has time for that, so suffice it to say I had a sinfully delicious one-hour pedi today administered by a new young friend who makes me extra glad I’m alive.  I’m now wearing My Chihuahua Bites on my toes and you can’t touch this.

And after lunch, which I had no time to eat, I saw my surgeon.  As in eye surgeon.  As in he’s finishing the graft on the 22nd, YAY!   And if I celebrate more right now I’ll cry.  Again.  Some more.  But from relief and happiness in this case.

So, not a bad day — which none of them are if you wake up breathing and make it through to the night-time bedgasm.  Not being naughty, it just feels so amazing to lie down on cool sheets and drift off while Kim rubs my back and spins goofy stories.  Even when life feels like it’s crushing the life out of you it’s pretty damn good.

And it’s Throwback Thursday, so here’s Baby Me before all the blistering sunburns which no doubt fomented the nasty little carcinoma.  And don’t we all, when we feel like crying till we can’t cry anymore, wish we could see our moms again and hug it out?  It isn’t about cancer, nor about looking wonky for at least three more weeks, not at all.  Small potatoes.  For the bigger spuds the week unearthed, my mom’s cool hands and soft voice and pillowy lips would help heal a lot of hurts.  So if your mom’s within hugging distance don’t waste opportunities, please.

I have to tell you that my grandparents would not appreciate seeing their house-in-need-of-paint preserved for posterity.  But life will rip your shorts off if you’re not paying attention, so we’ll call that one small potatoes, too.

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When Easter feels like the pagan festival it is …

The world is a cruel place for dreamers — we tend to be motivated by beauty, kindness, and justice, the biggest pipe-dream of all, and then when the world turns ugly and vicious, as it so frequently does, we don’t even know who to talk to about it.  I mean, I’m as ecumenical as the next person — bunnies and eggs and chocolate and death and whee! so fun how we’ve cleverly combined it all into a little something for everyone!   But when Easter Week coincides with the spectacle of its celebrants disenfranchising an entire chunk of society — people their religion requires them to at least proselytize* if not love — I’m finding it far more honorable to go full-on reality and identify with the original pagans.  I won’t slow you down with the details, so Google is your friend on this one.  I just think those guys didn’t line up good PR, because they actually did a ton of cool stuff and didn’t seem to hate anybody in the process.

So, now I’m seeing “Don’t worry, the Supreme Court will fix it.”  THIS Supreme Court?  You’ve observed them in operation, right?  We’ll leave that right there for now.

And filed under Things That Make Me Go WTF?!  Well, today it’s knowing that a Teabilly with three teeth, one of which is just a baby tooth stuck back in there for luck, who voluntarily smells like a rhinoceros and sleeps with his sister has, as of this week, the legal right to discriminate against, disrespect, disparage, and disgust an intentionally unprotected class of people with whom said Teabilly could not intelligently converse if his or her peapickin’ sorry little life hung by a thread on the success of that very task. And statistically it’s a given that there are gay people within the Tea Party fortress, God help them.  I’m pushing away a thought that maybe they drown them all.

And here’s something we can all file under Things That Count.  Every lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender person covered under this legislation is somebody’s lovey.  Because if I say somebody’s son or daughter you’ll be all “Yeah, yeah, me too, so what?”  No, you heartless jerk, every person on earth deserves to have his or her sweet guts loved out by somebody even if that somebody ends up being solely his or her self.  And more often than sometimes those somebodies are beaten to a pulp and half dead inside, a lot of it self-inflicted, before it’s real that they can love themselves that completely, and if you make a double entendre out of that you officially suck.  This whole thing is so heartbreaking — and so unnecessary for anyone to suffer through.  Once we emerged from the Dark Ages, the question of sexuality should have been a non-issue, so how do we, a supposedly intelligent, enlightened people, find ourselves still looking like frothing idiots?  Never mind, rhetorical.

One more for the Things That Count file.  A bloodbath doesn’t happen overnight, so write this down … homosexuals were among the very first to be harassed in Germany for their “inferiority,” and thousands eventually died in the camps after brutal torture ordered specifically for them.

This one’s a freebie:  If you don’t know what fascism is and you have only so much time, look it up instead of the pagans — they’ll keep.

“If fascism comes, it will not be identified with any ‘shirt’ movement, nor with an insignia, but it will probably be wrapped up in the American flag and heralded as a plea for liberty and preservation of the constitution.” 

James Waterman Wise, 1936 issue of The Christian Century

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*Because if you’re gay you can’t be a Christian, you know.

Spring really is here … right?

Working on a couple of things, but they require me to think so it’s slow going.  Plus spring fever makes me want to sit on my balcony all day drinking various things from coffee to wine while Maddie wanders in and out and sasses the neighborhood.  The Bradford pear trees and forsythia are in bloom, the sun is out, and a Rasta chick just walked down the sidewalk in a barely-there top, skinny jeans, sandals, and a stocking cap over her hip-length dreads.  Rasta chick white.  Cool.  #whymeloveitsomuch

This is Lawrence and how the day feels …

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Moving on …

Life progresses in loops and whorls, never backtracking but occasionally slipping into neutral.  Gearing up again and finishing a few things is always a thrill, so we’re celebrating the fact that after eighteen months and a half-dozen or more 600-mile round-trips, the condo is EMPTY — and if there are still two things there for other people to get, nobody told me about it, I know nothing.  We’ve re-listed the property with a different agency and an agent who from all indications is a winner — selling the heck out of the town in all price ranges and she’s fabulous to work with.  Keep a good thought for us — this is the last piece of the “Move” puzzle and the only one that didn’t drop into place right away, due entirely to the housing market there.

Rainy and chilly today and we’re in recovery mode.  Kim turned gray at one point yesterday while we were hauling stuff up the stairs, and I’m perpetually not much help at all, in fact “if you need to sit down that’s great but you can’t stand there” is mostly what it’s about for me.  An inhaler fixes his problem but not so simple with mine such as they are.  And Madison, for the first time in our experience, got carsick on the drive home.  Riding in her backseat bed, watching the landscape roll by, head on her paws, making eyes at us and smiling … when we turned around again she was curled in a ball looking like a sad bedraggled little weasel.  Luckily we caught a break in that she never did upchuck the googly bits we shouldn’t have been sneaking her from the road-food bags, and happily this morning her lethargy and ennui have passed.  She’s doing tricks for treats again, and she’s had a bath — there was really no choice, she’d picked up so much dust and dirt while she was “helping” she looked radioactive.  The little mop is sleeping it off now, after giving me the stink-eye about the bath — she loves them but didn’t appreciate shivering and considered us hard-hearted, I’m totally sure.

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Cinnamon Roll Cake!

Yes, since you’ve all been so good about not making note of little inconsistencies in these trying times … other than that original Bad Girl, Miss Snarky Pants, http://paltrymeanderings.com, who for whatever ungodly excuse has yet to tag me in a new post of her own … we’re running a Sunday Bonus.  Kim made this cake yesterday before the KU/Iowa State game and its gooey buttery brown-sugary goodness gave both of us reason to go on after our team’s unfortunate loss.  You in turn are guaranteed to need this recipe before March Madness ends, and I know you’re thanking me: CinnRollCake Cake: 3 c. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
1 c. sugar
4 tsp. baking powder
1 1/2 c. milk
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 c. butter, melted

Topping:
1 c. butter, softened
1 c. brown sugar
2 Tbsp. flour
1 Tbsp. cinnamon

Directions: Mix the CAKE ingredients together except for the butter. Slowly stir in the melted butter and pour into a greased 9×13 pan. For the TOPPING, mix all the ingredients together until well combined. Drop evenly over the batter and swirl with a knife. Bake at 350 for 28-32 minutes.

Glaze:
2 c. powdered sugar
enough milk to make a runny glaze, about 6 or 7 tablespoons
1 tsp. vanilla

Drizzle glaze over cake after letting it cool slightly. Top with vanilla bean ice cream and try not to weep at first bite.

{And although the luscious photo up top looks similar to the Honey-Bun Cake Recipe that’s been enjoying a decent run here … not the same, not the same.  Two cakes, each fabulous in its own right.}

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PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE CHIP CREAM CHEESE COOKIES

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Yes, these exist, and they melt in the mouths of those who eat them, I have that on good authority.  They’re also fun to make, pretty to eat, and you can switch those two things around for entertainment.  Tell me this doesn’t look like your grandma’s kitchen when she was on crack.

Ingredients:

1 can seamless crescent rolls (or pinch together seams on a regular can, or make your own.)  {WHAT??}
8 oz cream cheese, room temperature
1/3 cup sugar
2 tsp vanilla
¾ C mixed peanut butter and chocolate chips

Directions:
Beat sugar, cream cheese and vanilla together until smooth and creamy.

Unroll the crescent roll sheet onto lightly floured surface. Stretch dough (you can use a rolling pin), then trim the edges for a nice rectangular shape. A pizza cutter is great for trimming edges of dough.  {I didn’t say that about the pizza cutter because what would I know?}

Spread the cream cheese mixture over top of the crescent sheet, leaving 1/2″ around the edge.
Sprinkle chips on cream cheese – press lightly to aid in rolling.
Roll the crescent sheet up tightly, from long side to opposite long side (helps to have four hands) and wrap in your favorite brand of clingy stuff.
Place in freezer for at least 2 hours. It won’t get really solid as the cream cheese mix won’t freeze hard.
When chilled preheat oven to 350°.

Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper (prevents sticking and helps in cleanup).  {Honestly, there are still phrases out there that make me want to go back to the kitchen, but so far the short-term memory thing is still kicking in on demand.}

Slice the crescent roll into 1/4″ slices. They won’t keep the precise round shape, but that is fine!  {You bet it is, because your mother isn’t standing over your shoulder anymore oh hi whoever’s mom, you are so lovely in that sweatshirt is that the color this year?  Jeez, who knew you could appear out of nowhere like that, somebody’s mom … or whoever?}

Look at the ghosts, living or dead, that haunt your creative-idea board, the ones that turn your Pinterest projects into panic attacks because they WILL.NOT.TURN.OUT.F*CKING.PERFECT.   AND.THE.WORLD.IS.NOT.FAIR.DAMMIT.  {Yes, that IS part of the original recipe, I’m frankly surprised you would ask.}

Bake on prepared cookie sheet for 12 -14 minutes until crescent roll appears golden brown.
Cool on the parchment paper or wire rack.

{I don’t know how many melty things this makes because I am not the cook.  Clearly a bit of attentive hands-on research would not be out of line.  I’ll get back to you … but please don’t bug me about it.}

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Tuesdays were for what?

The Grand Purge of 2015 is currently underway here at Chez Smith so everything that was on my desk … sticky notes, calendar pages, scribbled-on envelopes, wrinkled business cards, Twix wrappers … is in a heap on the bed and I can’t remember what Tuesdays are supposed to look like here on the blog because my notes are in there somewhere.  And who has the energy to scroll back … ?  Getting rid of that big stupid pile in the middle of the bedspread was my Tuesday goal.  Instead, oh look, it’s WEDNESDAY already!  Time to shift the detritus from love seat to bed again and see what happens.

Seems to me Tuesdays have been about thankfulness lately, which rhymes with beauty, which gets us back to Monday’s good intentions.  Are you OCD at all?  What are the things that hook you in and you can’t get enough of twenty-four hours a day because they engage your brain and ignite your passions?  And then a morning dawns, the next week or years down the road, when you wake up and can’t find two fricks to give about any of it.  And it feels kind of sad but mostly it feels like the most liberating thing that’s happened in too long.

Facebook and I reached an impasse like that the other day, one of many but this time totally out of left field.  We’ve agreed to stay friends, but we’re negotiating a little break from each other for health reasons — it’s an increasingly unhealthy place for me to hang out because my reserves are so pathetically low.  I can cite chapter and verse, but for now it seems sufficient to say that I’m out of energy for the general ugliness, and sharing my truth just annoys the crap out of people if it isn’t also theirs.  I woke up last Thursday with the settled knowledge that it’s not my job, man, and I have to tell you I feel SO much better now that I no longer care.

So I’m trying to make Facebook about relationship again without selling out.  We’ll see how long and how evenly my psyche handles the dichotomy — it’s guaranteed to be fascinating.  We should talk more about this tomorrow because I clearly haven’t solved the whole puzzle yet and I have a feeling there’s helpful advice out there that could open some windows.  I know it all comes back to beauty and beautiful places — living in them, creating them, facilitating them.  God, it’s probably something as cliché as “Be the beauty you wish to see in the world.”  Nooooooooooo, that sounds so pathetically passive and ineffective.  But bottom line, probably yes.  Because the really beautiful people do get trampled in life, but while stuff’s hitting them they’re shedding pollen and sloughing off seed pods that take root like science and make places for change to happen.

It’s obvious that the earth is losing its sparkle and could benefit from a beauty infusion, so I’m going to let myself think about all this for a while because it’s what we here in the office like to refer to as overwhelming.  Meanwhile, from the Playing for Time desk, a wonderful Wednesday to you all.  Make your corner of it beautiful if you can.

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 Does this mess with your head like it does mine?  

I mean if you could know.

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Coming to you from beautiful downtown Lawrence …

Sunny sky, high clouds, shadows like spring, a little green in the trees.  Somebody’s running a weed-eater.  Maddie’s sleeping, Kim’s writing, TV’s murmuring, I’m observing.  Below my window, the intersection of 8th and Rhode Island is a shifting collage of cars, bicycles, walkers and joggers, fire trucks and ambulances, gaggles of people who clearly have no clue but are just as happy as if they had good sense, couples, families, lone souls, old bushy-bearded guys who sit on the wall for a while, plastic grocery bags hanging on their walkers, dredging up resolve to make it on home.  Sometimes nobody, nothing, for a whole minute.  And then parents and babies, big kids and buses, and so many dogs.  Students going back and forth to Mass Street or the Hill, and after dusk, revelers.  Yummy little word.  Revelers.  Revel.  Revelry.

rev·el·ry
ˈrevəlrē/
noun
noun: revelry; plural noun: revelries
1. lively and noisy festivities, especially when these involve drinking a large amount of alcohol

“sounds of revelry issued into the night”

Sounds right.  The energy flowing from Mt. Oread infuses everything here with youth and hormones so that even the commonplace has a zingy undertone.  It’s a beautiful place to be, this town, and lately I’m seriously thinking about beautiful places.  More tomorrow …

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MASS STREET IN FULL REVEL

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Today’s drama on As the Eye Turns …

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March — it’s what time DOES.  Snow fell all day yesterday and the ground is white, but spring is, even as we speak, gathering up little robins and crocii and dandelions, wheee, and it will all be showing up here any minute now!

The passage of time is so very relative, and that effect seems to be accentuated when your brain is on the fritz.  The day of the initial biopsy my surgeon said, “If it’s malignant we’ll do an excision, and if necessary a skin graft ….. you’ll come back in five to six weeks, we’ll remove the stitches, and you should be good to go.”  Crap, what did I know from what he actually said, I don’t hear for beans!

The day before my six-week check-up we figured out that I’d misunderstood parts of the process, but it was not yet clear just how delusional I was.  And then the appointment took all of ten minutes, not counting iPad time in the waiting room.  I’m not complaining, let the record show, my doctor and his assistants are lovely people who excel at what they do and I adore them.  But it was quickly apparent that no stitch-release stuff would be happening at that present time.  Ninety-degree turn in the Expectations Hallway.

THE GOOD NEWS:  The graft site is healing beautifully and we’re right on schedule (the correct one). After the next six weeks there’s an appointment to see how much longer the graft needs to cure.  I was indeed self-deluded, but now I know and all is well. Most important, this is neither fatal nor permanent. And life goes on.

So it’s at least a year-long process to reach total healing — I have friends who will deal with health issues for life.  One lost an eye at age two … and I’m whining about stitches holding an eyelid down for a few months.

NOTE TO SELF:  You are not allowed, for the duration, to apologize for looking demented, not to anybody, even if you happen to bump into President Obama on Mass Street next week.  {Sorry, deal’s off for the president.}  But you’ll get to walk away from this at some point, maybe even by summer, and that’s almost not even fair.  Your friends who’ve had to actually give up body parts are hoping nobody notices, too, and they don’t get a pass, so own your I’ve-been-drunk-for-a-week eye and live your life.

So yeah, “March is the month that God designed to show those who don’t drink what a hangover is like.”  –Garrison Keillor

ENJOY!

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Feels like a HumpDay …

4:00pm.  Good news and bad news so far today.  Rewind to …

10:45am.  Kim returns from his annual cardiology exam/report full of great news — the sonogram shows no sign of muscle damage, his blood pressure read 116/63 in the office, and he is, in clinical terms, healthy as a horse.  Everybody hugs and does the happy dance and the house feels warm, and safer than it did at 9:45 before his doctor said to him “You should be around for a very long time.”

11:45am.  My surgeon’s assistant calls to remind me about tomorrow morning’s appointment, which I think is for finishing the graft and freeing my eyelid again but is simply a check-up, at which time Dr. Khan will determine how much longer the graft has to “bake.” I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

11:46am.  A meltdown may or may not take place, after which Kim takes me to Hog Wild BBQ for a loaded baked potato bigger than my head.  Carb therapy.

2:00pm to present.  Lying prone in a darkened room does wonders for temporary insanity, and by darkened room I mean Facebook and WordPress.  By *lying prone* I mean I’ve intentionally flat-lined for a while, and by *temporary insanity* I mean batshit crazy.

4:15pm.  It’s all good news, of course.  A delay in ditching an irritant does not a tragedy make, the graft looks like it’s healing perfectly, and my well-worn face has not been further marred — the scar is going to fade beautifully and who really cares!

Staying cozy tonight with Kim and Madison and feeling grateful.  Another HumpDay conquered.

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It’s like life …


… you just jump in somewhere.

I fell asleep last night thinking “Two more dayszZzzzz.”  Yes, kids, this Thursday morning the finish work on the skin graft will happen and the stitches at the inner and outer corners of my eye will be released and life will go on.  Just like that.  Moment of silence, please, while I pay homage to the preceding two months that passed in spite of me.  Thank you.

So … as I was saying, anything can derail us from writing.  It’s a challenge for me to stay focused on the best day, and because I’m a pansy-ass I have to say that the past sixty days or so, taken in their entirety, will not make my “best” list.   Parts of them were excellent, of course … but I digress.

The eye thing is turning out to be a bit of a watershed event (one in a continuing series) in ways I’m still figuring out.  At first it was the teensiest bit scary, and then it was painful, and then it was, and still is, just a nuisance.  It knocked me off my writing rocker, but lonnng since I could see in stereo again I’ve just hung around down here on the floor hoping nobody would notice.  The horse waits …

My dearest, sweetest, most wonderful, funniest, very possibly smartest WordPress/Facebook/Real True Friend Cristy Carrington Lewis triple-dog challenged me to a write-off, first poster wins.  This is me posting but I hope she wins, she’s so precious.  Go say hello at http://paltrymeanderings.com.  She answers to Miss Snarky Pants and she writes a “Humor Blog for Horrible People.”  I ❤️ her.

Here’s to you, darling girl.  Much success as you travel through the blogosphere, and not only in besting silver-haired adolescent seniors (my truth is safe with you, no?) … but in making your mark, of course.

dead and rotten

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Yes. Most emphatically still here.

Anyone between 40 and 65+ gets this — once it starts you’ll do everything cheap and painless to make it stop.  And by it of course I mean aging.  I squandered at least 25 years’-worth of primo brain cells cursing every line, gray hair, and extra pound — “STOP!  STOP IT!!  STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!!  GIVE ME SOME TIME TO MENTALLY PREPARE!!  {Interweave creative language of your choosing.}”

Over the years it’s inexplicably gotten more challenging to match up the two realities:  I don’t feel any older in my psyche, I’m in fact regressing and there are those who own evidence to prove it, but my exterior road map is relentlessly becoming more detailed, my once-blonde/brown/henna-ish hair has at long last come out of the closet as its own true amazing silver, and my late-life-acquired supplemental mass is stubborn and sneaky so I’ve decided to own it for warmth, comfort, and familiarity.

The rush in all of this is that it doesn’t feel like I’m giving up.  I only have to adapt to the kindergartener around my waist until winter’s over — it’s cruelly cold outside — and then I’m thinking I’ll work on it again.  Or … you know ….. just possibly not, really, not in any stressed-out sort of way.  Because even though my lines and veins are more visible now, I’ve survived to a point where this body’s pretty freaking okay for its years and experiences.  And I’m in love with my shiny silver hair that Shelby at the barbershop cuts for $10+tip and gives it a life of its own so that I might have 99 problems but my hair isn’t ever one of them.  (If I wanted to pull senior rank on her she’d cut it for $5 and probably say about her tip “Oh honey, that’s fine, go buy a coffee or something.”  But WTF, are you kidding?!  Baby Jesus, don’t ever let me get THAT kind of old!)  So anyway how truly awful could it be to haul around more pounds than my body was designed for?  Oh, wait … right … wasn’t taking the whole Life & Death thing into account.  So … you know … erroneous THERE, but …

Well, so I’m going with two out of three unless or until I can change, but meanwhile that tiresome head-voice has gone strangely silent.  After all those years of fighting my body … okay, it was a half-hearted effort at best … she and I are starting to feel like real friends.  Not like, hey I forgive you for being such a biotch and embarrassing me … just … hey … no forgivey-stuff required, I’m you and you’re me and we like each other fine and this feels good.  And wow, hey, look at all the options that just opened up!

“Having work done” was never part of my bucket list, and after having my face sliced and stitched up last month I can tell you that there’s no way I’d do it voluntarily just because things weren’t close enough to perfect.  The twelve women in the slideshow linked here are some of my best role models — I hope you’ll revel in their happy stories!

http://www.purpleclover.com/entertainment/3543-12-stars-say-no-to-plastic-surgery/

I love this woman like Kanye loves Kanye!

JamieLee

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