Are we becalmed?

07 Aug 2023 Leave a comment

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I’ve been off on sabbatical again, is everybody still okay? This is the summer of figuring out WhatTheHell, and it’s going swimmingly, starting with the weather. Weirdly for August in Kansas, nearly every morning starts with a hint of sunshine before morphing into yet another grayish overcast day with all the heat held firmly in place. This week the forecast says we’ll get a break, with temps in the lower 80s… but also with the humidity in those same numbers if not higher. It’s summertime, it’s da vey dey do, and I’m merely adding (unnecessary) commentary.

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Life is, in fact, quite good of course. We have family in town visiting, and more to arrive today, people we haven’t seen in ten years, so that’s a very sweet thing. The food and drink at this establishment (Kim’s kitchen) continues in its customary stellar fashion; we’re maintaining a facsimile of robust health; and we sleep safe every night. I communicate with someone who lives in Ukraine, and I know that for her, her husband, and their country the idea of sleeping in comfort and security is the stuff of dreams now. It’s impossible to put down in words sometimes how precious and unbelievable life is, because it’s so very relative. What it looks like to each of us depends on where we find ourselves on the planet, which patch of earth is “ours,” so we build the dream according to what seems almost possible and then reach beyond it.

As dreams go, I saved this one for Kim. It looks like something he would actually build and enjoy living in, provided there were drop-down window coverings for coziness.

**

If there’s something that would make today better for you, DO THAT. There’s no rule that we get only one of those a week, or even just one a day, so don’t think you’re being selfish by claiming the good stuff. It’s nice when you can pay it forward, though.

Image by Judy Smith

Into each life some rain must fall…

31 Jul 2023 4 Comments

***

Hey, hi, just had to stop in and tell you about our wild storm last night during which we had a sky full of lightning, heavy-duty thunder, pounding rain, and 70mph winds. It tumped over a “tree” on our balcony and had the furniture dancing around like crazy, but there’s no actual damage we can spot from our vantage point, although last night the big trees across the street were whipping in such crazy circles it wouldn’t have shocked us to see a few lift their roots and follow the wind on its journey. All was quiet on the eastern front when we went to bed, but Kim said thunder and lightning woke him very early, and it was still raining when I got up at 6:30. There was the faintest pink glow on the horizon, but no light showed itself for what felt like hours. Dark, quiet, lovely morning, and all the rain will be lifesaving when scorching days return, by which I mean tomorrow. After a lifetime spent in the far southwest corner of Kansas, weather forecasts still fascinate me. Out there, if the chance of rain was anything below 50%, go ahead and plan your big outdoor family reunion. Here, above 15% and you’re prolly gonna be looking for shelter at some point.

It takes some of us a lifetime to find home, but here I am at last, big sigh. My dad’s great-grandparents disembarked in New York Harbor after their voyage from Germany, and they, along with their nine sons and three daughters, found their way here to the northeast corner of Kansas where a smattering of kin had preceded them. The sons were newly ransomed from Kaiser Bill’s army, no doubt looking forward to a life that held more freedom of spirit than they’d previously known, and I’m grateful for their wisdom in settling among hills, trees, and abundant water. I’m also glad they left a few bread crumbs for their unseen descendants.

Guess who’s back? The Doves, David & Darleen! We’ve seen them off and on since they raised their second set of twins, and a few days ago they started checking us out in earnest again. They carefully lined their previous nest with fresh twigs, and this morning Dar’s ensconced with likely at least one egg under her so far. It feels good that they choose to be here with us and that our ins and outs don’t spook them. Everybody likes being chosen, right?

Have a Zen Monday. If it didn’t start out that way, do a plot switch and make it right, it isn’t too late.

Image by Judy Smith

Resume, and I don’t mean resumé…

19 Jun 2023 Leave a comment

***

Good morning, constituents. I’m not running for anything today or ever, so the planet is safe. And if you’ve been here a while, you know I write selfishly – entirely at the behest of my own psyche. Some of us understand that we’re cautionary tales rather than shining examples, but “what not to do” can prove helpful too, so I lay it all out here for those following behind. Which brings me to a question… WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?? Get a life, for the love of god!

So last Thursday I took a No-Brainer Day in the name of health and sanity. https://playingfortimeblog.com/2023/06/16/hitting-the-pause-button/

That was so beneficial I sent said brain on an extended vacation, whereupon it theoretically burrowed underground until this morning. I must tell you that it’s a heady Zen rush to sit here in my allotted space and gently remind myself that if it’s outside these walls it’s what’s called “not my responsibility” for now. I’m well aware that it’s a trick to find any space for yourself, anywhere, without simply claiming it and walking off with it. And for years on end, all most of us can claim is the will to live on behalf of everyone around us. Also, that dazzling realization of our own personal worth and therefore rights… that’s hard-earned for some of us even after most of the heavy responsibilities fall away. It sucks to get this long in the tooth before claiming yourself, so don’t. Do it now, you’re you, nobody else is ever going to be that gift in the world so don’t waste time.

It triggers empathetic guilt to tell you this, but for three days, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I did the absolute bare minimum for survival while everything settled back into its rightful order. This vital mini-vacay was entirely made possible, by which I mean enabled, by Kim. You knew that.

Yesterday evening we walked down to Cider Gallery for some of the most incredible musicianship I’ve witnessed in this town and that’s saying a LOT. Lawrence has been a launching pad for bands and solo artists over the years who play gigs here while in transit from Kansas City to Denver. Last night’s two groups were local but may not stay that way, so if you see the name Sky Smeed and/or Signal Ridge, remember where you heard it first. And run, don’t walk, to soak up the pure delight.

All said, this crone is awake on a Monday morning, coffee’d up and ready to roll. Priorities will rule the day:

  1. Those clothes you put in the washer before Cider Gallery yesterday? Run ’em through a rinse and get them into the dryer, STAT.
  2. Be a fully-fledged human, insofar as is reasonable for Monday.
  3. Keep your word, do the things, and stay true north.

***

Image by Judy Smith

Putting the pro in procrastinate…

12 Jun 2023 Leave a comment

***

Experience has taught me that I do my best writing when I’m supposed to be doing something else, so here I am, saying good morning, and thanking you for your help in keeping this a safe place for all of us. It’s funny to realize that even after almost fifteen years out of touch with the working world… can that be?? … Mondays are still Mondays. It’s the day I’ll apparently always wake up and say “Couldn’t we do that tomorrow?”

A bit of news… the Doves, David and Darleen, are once again enjoying a peaceful incubation interlude in their leafy bower. Two perfect-looking eggs, two new babies to fledge. And then what, I wonder. Google isn’t very forthcoming as to what adult mourning doves do until another spring rolls around, but it can likely be summed up in one word, “survive.” Which segues us right back to Monday…

… the perfect day for this question:

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Self-assigned task today, pick a shower and take it:

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They misspelled “surprised,” so you see my point, I’m sure. Point, blade, knife…

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Guess we could try this for starters on a Monday, ‘k world?

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P.S…

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Image by Judy Smith

Summertime, and the livin’ is…

05 Jun 2023 Leave a comment

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Summer is still officially fifteen days away, but evidence shows that it’s already in town for early rehearsals, with days in the 80s and 90s and a possible rain break in the mix. The good news for solitary me is that my calendar between now and July holds not a single appointment thus far. Visually that looks like a gift, a solid block of peace. What will I do with all that time… clean, organize, write, walk, go hug my sister, read, all of the above? Yes, and beyond that we’ll see, won’t we.

Last week was a slow one in some ways, but life is never not happening. I kicked a couple of things to the curb, thus improving my general outlook, and got through the days with a minimum of drama, always a good thing. In the course of all that, I saved a few graphics for you, beginning with the theatre aspect.

**

If you’re pretending to be happy, let’s talk.

I know I’ve lately bemoaned facts of life, such as truth v fiction, life v death, family v loneliness, but the following is factual as well:

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Time and health are of the essence.

One’s energy can be better utilized on things that matter.

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A bit of happy news saved for last: We won the lottery — the Doves opted to remain in our balcony complex, but in a nicer, larger, safer condo. Despite all odds, they’ve chosen to raise their second brood adjacent to the daily Smith goings-on, and their quiet trust couldn’t feel sweeter. Having closely observed the advent of brood #1, noting every nuance, we’re old hands as grandparents now. Dave and Dar have proven themselves to be stellar parents. They’ve got this and we simply feel privileged to have seats in the orchestra pit while the play unfolds. It all leads precisely to this thought:

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Sounds simple, possibly even innate, but it takes a lifetime.

Image by Judy Smith

A chat while it rains…

15 May 2023 Leave a comment

***

Just when we think it couldn’t get any greener here, or the grass and trees shine any brighter, it’s raining again. Its insistent tapping against the windows is soothing and full of ongoing promise. David’s home from hanging out with his friends all night and is tucked in under the ferns, sheltering the eggs. It’s possible that by the weekend we could see a couple of beaks attached to fuzzy little heads poking out of the nest. A couple more weeks of nurturing and the babies will earn their wings and go. That’s when we’ll be hoping David and Darleen decide to raise a second brood, same spot, same setup, because we’ll miss them if they go looking for swankier digs. Checking on the Dove family is second in order of business every morning, making sure somebody’s home with the incubates; that either David has once again survived the nighttime feeding wars, or Darleen is postponing breakfast ’til he gets back for his shift. The quiet drama. You see what it’s come to here.

I no sooner typed the word “quiet” than the din of the past few days resumed. Someone’s having tile, apparently acres of it, removed, and the resulting sound reverberates throughout the building for long minutes, during sometimes long days, with only brief pauses. Not a problem, simply a reminder that however organized we may be in our psychic innards, life intrudes on levels beyond our control. The noise of the planet creeps in subtly or it slaps us in the face, either way causing a blip in our focus. What to do, what to do. Whine a little to kindred spirits, find your industrial-strength Old Girl panties, and get on with whatever the day would have looked like without the obvious clamor.

Maybe a little like this…

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On the other hand, silence scares the bejebus outta some people, so to each his own. We’ll see how it goes, won’t we.

Image by Judy Smith

A progress report…

08 May 2023 Leave a comment

***

Since you’re no doubt wondering, I’m happy to tell you that our new balcony residents are figuring things out quite nicely and adapting to their chosen surroundings. David seems to be made of good stuff and ready for fatherhood, and I found out yesterday that although he stays out all night every. single. night, he’s out there with his ride-or-dies, feeding as a gang for reasons of personal safety, not being drunk and disorderly and annoying the single chicks. He contentedly sleeps all day until Darleen comes home from her own breakfast, lunch, and dinner out, presumably with equally-safe friends, so I’ve stopped cooing at him in English and simply leave him to his rest. They picked us for their own set of reasons and likely the first was for protection. They individually listen to our conversations as we’re in and out, and have never shown the least uneasiness. They stay perfectly still and calm when we speak to them in quiet tones, never ruffling a feather or twitching an eye. Several days in, I’m fairly sure I could pet Darleen and she wouldn’t flinch, but I’m not about to disturb her vigil. If all goes according to plan and they do become parents, David will probably get a little feisty toward approaching landlords/grandparents. He’ll stomp his feet and exercise his wings and no doubt fix us with the evil eye… so we’ll not intrude. Or maybe just a quick look at the baby/babies. The only peek we’ve had inside the nest showed one egg, but the book says there are probably two by now.

It feels excellent that they’re here of their own volition, and David’s drowsy presence behind my chair on warm afternoons is utterly peace-giving. I can hardly remember a day in the past three years when my heart wasn’t in an uproar over something or other, so this little couple’s insistence upon moving in with us is incredibly sweet and timely. To encourage them to rent from us again next spring, we’re considering one of these, placed near this season’s nest, and maybe we’ll even have it up in time for this season’s second brood. They’d customize it in a heartbeat.

It humbles us that David and Darleen observed us for a day or two, decided we were trustworthy, and moved right on in. We know, especially this girl right here, that any given morning could bring heartache because of a ransacked nest, but you have to care about something and for the next month at least, it’s the Dove family.

David and Darleen and their pending family are already making a nicer person of me, so add your “thank-you,” world, you’re the better for it.

Image by Judy Smith

Post-Ishtar post…

10 Apr 2023 2 Comments

***

I change my desktop wallpaper the way some people change underwear, which is to say at least once a week. I like interesting, energizing change, while generally hating change I didn’t ask for, and the scenery on my toys is an easy fix for boredom and ennui… sometimes. So there’s that.

Easter weekend was quiet here and was also the first Saturday for Farmers’ Market this spring. They always set up a half-block south of us and it was packed over there. I love to see it… the early-morning chatter below our windows, kids running ahead of parents, lots of happy interaction. It’s been going on every year since we moved here, spring through fall, and the stability represents something important to me.

We’ve all been living in a stop-and-start world for enough years now that some of us are almost getting used to the periodic upheaval. I’m in favor of flexibility and adjustment to circumstances, but there are things in life we can’t quietly acquiesce to and tell ourselves to “keep moving, nothing to see here.” The last five years before my spinal surgery in 2021 were almost a write-off, with me spending more than 99% of my time within these walls, so coming out of that I’ve been gung-ho to do a few things to celebrate and respect being able to get around on my own. My timing may be a little off… sometimes you get there too early or just a hair too late, dang the luck… but I’m used to two steps forward followed by one in reverse, so I know the drill. Life has the power to be deadly discouraging, but I hope all the lessons it’s taught me will prove helpful at some point in the imagined future. That would be super cool. I mean, I know the foregoing sounds obscure, but how much patience does an old crone like me really need? A hell of a lot as it turns out. Same with acceptance, serenity, and a lack of dependence on the outside world in general. Life does what it will and we mostly follow like lemmings because we aren’t particularly quick studies in that sense, and whaddaya gonna do? Full disclosure: What we’re gonna do is behave and do what LIFE says, because she’s in charge. (I pledged long ago to tell you the truth in all things.)

In my ongoing quest to learn something new every day that I can take with me, I’m liking this simple graphic. Seems helpful:

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Also this one, which reminds me there are lots of ways to be proactive:

I plead guilty on fully half of these, so okay, challenge accepted.

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Every day of my life so far has been a result of the positive outweighing the negative, and so has yours or you wouldn’t be here. It’s okay to keep believing that things will get better, because they do tend in that direction.

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Case in point:

Image by Judy Smith

Just another manic Monday…

27 Mar 2023 Leave a comment

***

For the past few years, most days have seemed at least 36 hours long, with more blank-feeling time than I knew what to do with. In my new gung-ho “let’s do ALL the things” mode, I signed up for two KU classes and whatever daily system I had left is already shot to hell. That’s okay, it’s not yet obvious to the naked eye so we’ll survive, and I was getting pretty tired of all that perfection anyway. Oh, I laugh.

This afternoon will be the second of my three “Invitation to Poetry” classes, and it’s gratifying to realize how much I’m looking forward to it. Tomorrow morning will be more Kansas history, and maybe one day this week I’ll have the energy to clear a wider path in our big Everything closet. I’ve managed to create enough chaos in that space, I either need to finish it ASAP or just call “College Hunks Hauling Junk” and make a clean break.

**

Moral support helps everybody, the more the better, and by reaching out you just might save a life.

Not every source of support proves to be this trustworthy… but never stop be-leafing.

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… even when bitterly disappointed by the discoveries you make along the way.

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However distracted we might be, we can’t afford to lose sight of what matters:

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Have an astounding and properly-astounded Monday!

Image by Judy Smith

Freeing up head space…

13 Mar 2023 2 Comments

***

Feels like it’s time for a chummy conversation about what’s real… authentic, legitimate, valid… in the human realm. We spend so many brain cells and waste so many minutes either overthinking everything or actively ignoring obvious truths, we’d do ourselves a service by occasionally lifting the lid and airing out the ductwork. As a writer friend counseled me last week, “Let it out.” Sometimes we get so tied in knots by life, it’s tricky but crucial to get loose to the point of really seeing ourselves again.

**

Female types the world over, except those who didn’t hear about it, held a celebration last week on Wednesday. We were allotted an entire day to remember and honor women, those incomprehensible creatures without whom the planet can’t survive. An International Women’s Day, think of it. It’s a reminder to stand where no one else will, and to reject the load of “NO” that was assigned to us somewhere along the line.

In order to be honest women, there are things that can’t be of prime importance to us. The same holds true for honest men, but we’ll talk about that on International Men’s Day. What’s that, you didn’t know? It is indeed a designated observance, but no organized celebrations issue forth from it, probably because it would look like unseemly overkill, but that’s just me. Whether you’re an acknowledged feminist or an incel, anyone who’s lived female-adjacent knows the world keeps a LIST, with which it stamps a big CANCELED across a lot of otherwise happy celebrations and personal objectives.

To which I say SCREW THAT and I’m thankful to be with a man who feeds all of me.

**

We know that we are neither made nor broken by the things that happen to us, but rather by our response to each of those events; thus, there’s a truth in there that has to be looked in the eye: Sometimes the worst things that happen outside our control also come bearing gifts AND STAY WITH ME BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE BLASPHEMY. I’m no longer an “Everything happens for a reason” kinda girl, and I can’t suspend disbelief long enough to be thankful for bad, awful, heartbreaking things, please know that. Despite overwhelming odds, however, I’m still a Pollyanna who looks for a discarded pack of bar matches in every dark alley, and there’s usually a dry one left somewhere. Our most devastating and challenging times can contain hope if we keep our hearts open. They have the capacity to uncover ugliness we need to be aware of, in ourselves or other people. Bad times can reveal where change is long overdue, and sometimes provide the impetus to make those changes. We can’t be part of solving problems we don’t know about, so a little awareness in confusing times goes a long way. I could go on, but you know there are other ways of turning unfortunate circumstances to your good.

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A quiet thanks this morning to the men we live with, love, care for, befriend, exist among, for understanding as much as they can, and for wanting to even more.

**

That’s a lot to celebrate, I don’t care who you are.

Image by Judy Smith

Feeling the love…

06 Mar 2023 8 Comments

***

For humans who feel everything, every tiniest thing, there are days on end too dark for words. And then the sun breaks out again and some of those humans feel a little sheepish about all the inner angst. Oh well. That’s just how it is, and hello sunshine. I’ll play nice if you will, world.

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Things you learn along the way:

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Staying childlike, that’s the trick…

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I rolled up on this during my coffee reflections this morning, and felt it deep. Just one would lend legitimacy to this steady stream-of-consciousness…

Image by Judy Smith

The junk drawer…

06 Feb 2023 3 Comments

***

How does someone long retired still end up with The Mondays every week? Apparently there are things so ingrained in our psyches that we can never break loose, but this is silly… Monday doesn’t bring bad news, heinous commitments, or unbearable stress, it’s just Day One and maybe therein lies the dread: What fanciful ways will I find in which to screw up in the week ahead of me? Oh well.

Life of late sort of chugs along on its own with not too many momentous events, and stays just weird enough not to devolve into apathy. My brain, not in demand for anything much, carries on an existence it doesn’t share with me unless I ask, and the days do tend to stay JUST. WEIRD. ENOUGH.

Yesterday it came to me that part of the loneliness attached to this decade stems from no longer being an intrinsic part of a big supportive family. That network started crumbling some years back and I miss it, while also recognizing that not everything is forever. We all grow into who we are, and the pieces don’t match up anymore. Just the facts.

So, time to start the week with a smile. I stole an idea this morning from someone whose blog I like, and I hope she won’t mind terribly. She has no idea I exist, but the junk drawer concept is hers.

Anyway, Mondays strike me as the proper time for a junk drawer purge, especially as the weekends can take a toll on storage, so here’s a string of smiles I stole from a Facebook friend. (I have criminal tendencies, you’re finally catching on to that.) Enjoy, and do something satisfying with your day. In my world, this is the first day of exploration/cleaning/sorting in our big closet, which will light me up like a sparkler… I love getting rid of stuff! Tune in later for the accountability,

Meanwhile, here’s your sign:

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Unless you have a raging masochistic jones.

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Billboard available, only smaller.

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Don’t even think about it, sparky.

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Last but not least, here’s a List of The Weird that will take me all week to check off:

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Schmaltzy, but true and worth keeping in mind:

Image by Judy Smith

Eat the bear, lest he eat YOU…

16 Jan 2023 Leave a comment

*

A thing about life is that it stays unfailingly real, provided we aren’t in the business of lying to ourselves. It comes to us hour by hour, laden with the dull and the unexpected, and every day’s “BEST” on our part will look different from the day before. I see myself these days as far less Pollyanna and more Pragmatic Optimist. Life will do that to us… so each day has to be a stand against cynicism and discouragement.

I know I’m not alone in feeling a little beat up by recent and current events, so here are a few tips for dealing with the effects, the aftermath, and the immediate future.

In pain? Keep going. Fall down? Get up, keep going. Get sick? Get well, keep going.

When the world feels unfriendly and all indicators point to a negative outcome, our self-talk can turn ugly and destructive. A good thing to do in 2023 is NOT THAT.

*

Word on the street is that, like all of life, it does get better.

*

Don’t we get so tired of crying sometimes, though? Don’t we just finally think “ENOUGH!” ??

End of story.

*

Girls, women, friends, it’s my responsibility to let you in on an important secret to the working out of any and all angst in life, no matter what you’re going through… when you’re desperately in need of an ear, a shoulder, positive therapy…

HAPPY 2023 to us all.

Image by Judy Smith

Hello? Anybody else here yet?

02 Jan 2023 1 Comment

*

Don’t let me startle you, I’m just over here in 2023 snooping under rocks, checking the temperature, looking at the trends two days in. What I’m picking up so far is that it’s still all about the little things, the crucial details, the fleeting, precious parts of life that we can’t afford to lose sight of or we lose our way.

*

There are unlimited ways to have fun in life… and to BE fun! Amirite??

*

This seems important to carry into the year ahead.

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As we skeptically eye the blank slate before us, it helps to remember that every new beginning feels this way, and very little of it hinges on us except in the most important ways… one to one, where we have the capacity to make a difference. We don’t know what the year will bring, but experience does tell us a few things: there will be wondrous amazing happenings; there will be heinous horrendous happenings; there will be everything that happens upon the earth with sometimes distressing regularity; and we will deal with it. All of it. Welcome to life.

A word from the truly wise to send us on our way:

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

― Rumi

*

P.S…………..

Image by Judy Smith

Almost there…

26 Dec 2022 1 Comment

*

Peace. Quiet. Insulation from the bitter cold. Isolation from the bitter of any sort. These are welcome qualities embedded in The Day After, and with a steaming mug of Kim’s coffee in hand, parked in front of my space heater, eye on the frigid streets below, where absolutely nothing is happening at 9am… it’s an okay perspective, good for processing.

We did it, boys and girls. We’ve survived 2022 thus far, with enough optimism left over for contemplating yet another go ’round. Every new year, with its staggeringly-blank slate, presents an Offer We Can’t Refuse, so off we toddle like lemmings, eager to test the waters and prove the worth of all those valuable lessons we learned in past contests.

I have no idea what to expect from the year ahead, except that it will most likely play out in ways I could/would never program on my own. And it will undoubtedly be more of same in many ways, so the resulting balance/imbalance will be key as always. What will life look like as 2023 progresses?

In these days between Christmas and the New Year, we’re afforded an opportunity to think about that question in detail, should we be feeling especially brave and bold. How might things continue to change, for better or worse, since change itself is a given…

For me, 2022 was the year life actually did change big-time: I was provided a way to leave behind the nerve pain that had haunted the 50 years of my life just prior, thereby opening doors thought permanently closed to me. The effects are ongoing, with no reason to switch horses or alter plans, regardless of any setbacks, which are part of everything. A bad fall in October slowed me down but didn’t stop me, so we’re still bringing you our regularly-scheduled programming for the foreseeable future.

One thing humans are desperate for is restarts. “Let me try again. I can do better.” And more often than not, we do. I’m 100% for restarts and second chances and the grace to use them well, and I’m ready for lots more of that in the year ahead of us… grace, mercy, communication, comprehension. Connection.

This part of the calendar year is packed with holiday celebrations of every sort around the globe, with something in it for everyone. As we take a little time to wool-gather… reminisce… make a pin-cushion of our thoughts… I hope we’ll each gain a renewed sense of respect for each other and what it takes to coexist in the world. And work on doing just that…

Image by Judy Smith

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