To the bone …

10 Feb 2016 2 Comments

This morning I’m feeling inordinately proud of my skeleton.  I’ve had doubts about it in the past, but this time, when slip came to slide, my little boney bits marched right into formation and got busy.  They were treated to a photo shoot yesterday and the films are gorgeous — all the shattered pieces are in place and getting chummy with each other — what Dr. Pro calls *sticky.*  Sans cast or surgery those little guys shouldered (eh?) the job and did what had to be done.  Part of my personal staff:

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It’s been a sobering month at our house; therefore, good news is primo, and when is it not?  So on a sunny day in February it’s fun to know I’ve still got it, even if it’s on the inside where you can’t see it.  You know why old people are grouchy?  Because they hate getting old, end of story.  We try to grace it all up and pretend to be philosophical … mature, ha! … all the while feeling slightly bereft that not very many people can hear or see the eighteen, thirty, forty-five-ish, never-gonna-grow-up real soul that is us.  We’re having such a good time!  How could the ride be so far down the tracks already?

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That’s why we can’t have nice things and the reason we say shit like “Get off my lawn,” and “You’re one smartass comment away from being bitch-slapped so hard Google won’t be able to find you.”  We mean well.

I just realized today is Whinesday, which explains everything, sorry not sorry.  Enjoy the sunshine — it’s always out there somewhere.

Image by Judy Smith

In the dead of winter …

30 Nov 2015 Leave a comment

Wow, the long dark afternoons — has it always been like this?  Why does this year seem different?  And will it never end … it’s been winter now for … never mind, Google says first day is Dec. 22nd, which is irrelevant because it’s gray and wet and sometimes icy, and we could use a smile and a ray of sunshine.  Right?

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Image by Judy Smith

May ye’ be completely ate up with the luck o’ the Irish!

17 Mar 2015 1 Comment

tinyfrogFrame

Little St. Paddy’s road trip.  May your day be filled with green beer and laughter …

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he might buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where you from?”
“Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks,”What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’65.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’65, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nuttin’ much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

Image by Judy Smith

Let the record show …

13 Mar 2015 6 Comments

sopleased

 

Scrap heap in the bedroom?  Handled, biotches!

NEXT!!

No worries, you know those person-size Rubbermaid tubs that are a hoot to fill and then can’t be lifted except by committee?  We have a selection of those from the move … lurking … blaming … shaming …

Just kidding, I’m not losing sleep over it, but I don’t want our sons to have to deal with see what we leave behind in thirty years or so.  Starting early and staying dedicated to the task strikes me as a wise plan.

And there’s always every kind of sorting to be done.  Since taking a semi-sabbatical from Facebook recently, I’ve spent hours dumping folders full of junk, document files that were spilling their guts, emails by the thousands, including my FB stash back to 2011, and a lot of things I apparently saved in the middle of the night after “wine tastings.”  I’ve consigned so much drama to the irretrievable past I’m feeling light-headed and may float away.  Sounds all right …

TGIF, kiddos — enjoy!

Dragging out a couple more boxes after breakfast.

Image by Judy Smith

It’s like life …

24 Feb 2015 1 Comment


… you just jump in somewhere.

I fell asleep last night thinking “Two more dayszZzzzz.”  Yes, kids, this Thursday morning the finish work on the skin graft will happen and the stitches at the inner and outer corners of my eye will be released and life will go on.  Just like that.  Moment of silence, please, while I pay homage to the preceding two months that passed in spite of me.  Thank you.

So … as I was saying, anything can derail us from writing.  It’s a challenge for me to stay focused on the best day, and because I’m a pansy-ass I have to say that the past sixty days or so, taken in their entirety, will not make my “best” list.   Parts of them were excellent, of course … but I digress.

The eye thing is turning out to be a bit of a watershed event (one in a continuing series) in ways I’m still figuring out.  At first it was the teensiest bit scary, and then it was painful, and then it was, and still is, just a nuisance.  It knocked me off my writing rocker, but lonnng since I could see in stereo again I’ve just hung around down here on the floor hoping nobody would notice.  The horse waits …

My dearest, sweetest, most wonderful, funniest, very possibly smartest WordPress/Facebook/Real True Friend Cristy Carrington Lewis triple-dog challenged me to a write-off, first poster wins.  This is me posting but I hope she wins, she’s so precious.  Go say hello at http://paltrymeanderings.com.  She answers to Miss Snarky Pants and she writes a “Humor Blog for Horrible People.”  I ❤️ her.

Here’s to you, darling girl.  Much success as you travel through the blogosphere, and not only in besting silver-haired adolescent seniors (my truth is safe with you, no?) … but in making your mark, of course.

dead and rotten

Image by Judy Smith

HumpDay Drivel

07 Jan 2015 2 Comments

Yesterday was a little crazy-making and today is a deep-freeze.  Applying coffee, a hot shower, and M&Ms, and trusting that the immediate world will right itself before day’s end.  Snuggle up, kids, might as well make the best of another HumpDay!

So an attorney and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.  The lawyer’s thinking that older people are so out of touch he could easily get one over on this guy.

He asks the retiree if he’d like to play a fun game.  The guy’s tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few zzz’s.

The lawyer persists, however, saying that the game is too much fun to miss out on.  “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.  Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00,” he says.

This catches the man’s attention so to keep the annoying passenger quiet he agrees to play the game with him.
The attorney asks the first question.  “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, just reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the older guy’s turn. He asks the lawyer,  “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer googles everything he can think of but can’t find the answer.  He sends e-mails to all his smart friends, to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.  He wakes his fellow traveler and hands him $500.00.

The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts now, not knowing the answer.  He wakes the guy up again and asks, “Well, so what DOES go up a hill with three legs and come down with four??”

The weary older guy reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

(Shared by my friend and fellow old person, Rudy Loewen)

GameFrame

Image by Judy Smith

And Friday spills over into the weekend again …

20 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

bridge

Are you whistling yet?

Image by Judy Smith

Wednesday Wisdom

17 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

farts

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99 Percent Of Facebook In 99 Words

08 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

by Judy Smith in Humor, Re-blogging

Yup, pretty much.  A perceptive assessment from “List of X.”

List of X's avatar

If you have spent more than a few minutes on Facebook, you’ve probably noticed that a lot of Facebook posts are actually very similar in nature. In fact, you could probably rephrase most of Facebook posts as one of the updates below, thus summarizing 99% of entire Facebook in fewer than 100 words.

View original post 128 more words

What scares you?

08 Dec 2014 5 Comments

Not BOOGA-BOOGA pants-crapping scared, where your skin crinkles up and makes little screeching noises with sparklers on the ends.  More like what are you AFRAID of … that fundamental sense of dread that a cog will drop into a random sprocket somewhere and life will change.  Fear of loss is a keen motivator — what else drives us with that same force?

But what if life changed and you lived through it?  And what if that happened over and over ’til you realized how brave you were and then you just started doing things and saying things you didn’t know you could do and say?  What if people didn’t get any of that at all and you didn’t care?  What if you just started kicking ass, including your own, and life really did change and you wouldn’t change it back if you had the chance?  WHAT IF?  Not the question I want to be asking myself when I’m gearing up for the choir eternal.  What if I’d done all those things I knew I could do?  What if I’d let myself be who I knew I was?  And to quote Captain Obvious, what if I’d just been nicer?  Regret, let’s not go there.

Holy balls, I’ve survived too long to let fear force me back into the box, and by now he’s like an old friend anyway, sort of.  You know, keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your powder dry.

“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.”  ~Dawna Markova

 

William Stafford

 

 

i could have eaten that

Image by Judy Smith

Friday fun on a Saturday …

06 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”

The manager’s unsure, but he likes the kid and figures he’ll give him a shot, so he gives him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job is rough, but he gets through it. After the store is locked up, the manager comes down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One.”

The manager replies, “Just one?!!? Our employees average 20 to 30 customer-sales a day. That will have to change and fast if you want to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid takes his beating, but continues to look at his shoes. The manager feels kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day, so he asks half sarcastically, “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his manager and says “$101,237.65.”

The manager, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? WTF did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin-engine ChrisCraft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The manager says “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid says, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.'”

 

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Image by Judy Smith

The giving of the thanks …

26 Nov 2014 2 Comments

A hearty … Boy-We-Sure-Put-One-Over-on-Those-Stupid-Indians Day … to one and all!  

“Fine meal, chaps.  Burrrp.  The corn was a nice touch.  Sweet little country ya’ got here.  

Be a shame if somethin’ were ta’ happen to it.”

 

feelings

Image by Judy Smith

It’s HUMPDAY, kids!

12 Nov 2014 Leave a comment

“In Bristol, England today, which is where the graffiti artist Banksy came from. Clearly, I need to draw on some walls.” –Stephan Pastis

pastis life

Image by Judy Smith

No pumpkin-carving experience is complete without a near-fatal knife wound

27 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by Judy Smith in Humor, Manic Mondays, Re-blogging, Seasons Tags: ,

A timely post from Ned. Ray Villafane, eat your heart out.

Ned's Blog's avatarNed's Blog

imageCarving a jack-o-lantern used to require little more than a pumpkin, an oversized kitchen knife, and a tourniquet. It was a simple matter of plunging a 10-inch French knife into the gourd of your choice and creating a triangle-eyed, square-toothed masterpiece of horror.

In those days, the trickiest thing about making your jack-o-lantern was deciding on how to light the candle.

Option one: Light candle, then attempt to lower it into the pumpkin without catching your sleeve on fire.
Option two: Put the candle inside the pumpkin first. Then attempt to light it without catching your sleeve on fire.
Option three: Accept the inevitable and just light yourself on fire, then go find a candle.

After a quick trip to the emergency room for stitches and some light skin grafting, you could return home and set your jack-o-lantern on the porch, where it would remain until gravity and molecular breakdown…

View original post 532 more words

HumpDay Humor …

15 Oct 2014 2 Comments

If you don’t yet know Stephan Pastis, creator of Pearls Before Swine … my sympathy.  

Check him out at https://www.facebook.com/PearlsComic if you’re ON Facebook.  No?  Then Google is your friend.

 

Carpool

 

languages

 

stupid people

 

Image by Judy Smith

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